


Life Stories

by musicloverx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Future, Break Up, Comfort/Angst, Family, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-06 21:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 44,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicloverx/pseuds/musicloverx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years ago, Harry messed up everything he had- the perfect career, the perfect life. The perfect boyfriend. Would it ever be possible for one interview to change the past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoys the story :D x  
> Disclaimer: I do not own One Direction

He sank back into the sofa with a sigh as he carefully balanced his cup of tea in one hand. Not that it would matter if it spilt; the sofa was made up of more stains than fabric pattern anyway. Harry smiled to himself with the small victory when he managed to place the mug on the floor – not even a slight spill onto the mug’s surface- success. With the mug now safe on the worn out beige carpet, Harry sank further back into the old sofa and tilted his head so it was almost reaching the top of the settee. Letting out another long sigh, Harry felt the exhaustion flow over him from the long week of work. Every fibre of muscle hurt as he stretched his feet out in front of him, balancing them on the make shift coffee table of a moving box, pushing several copies of Rolling Stone onto the floor. He would never have guessed that training to be a hairdresser would be such hard work. Harry had toured the world, dragged himself up for interviews at the crack of dawn but none of that seemed to compare to the constant mind numbing conversations he had to keep up with clients who really couldn’t care less about how he was feeling, but more about the fact that a once famous has been was asking them if the temperature of the water was okay.  
  
  
Harry looked around the flat with weary eyes, taking mental notes of what he still needed to do even after moving in two months before. He loved his new studio flat, he really did but dragging himself to empty and sort the boxes of painful memories scattered round the room was all too much after a day of work. His mum had found the advertisement for the apartment online and was all to eager to show it to him after months of what she had called ‘wallowing’ in his old apartment. Not only was the old space obviously built for two, but he could barely afford the bills anymore without a singer’s salary. So much to his mum’s delight, he had agreed that the new place would be a good idea, not only because it was half the price but it meant he could escape the memories engraved in every nook and cranny of the old flat. He’d lived there for a year after his life fell apart, after the door was slammed in his face by not only the public but by the one person he loved the most. Even 5 years later, the months that followed still made his insides feel icy cold. Breaking up with someone is hard enough but becoming tabloid fodder made it even worse. There was not a day that would go by, where he would not wake up to another angry headline blaming him for the disintegration of his relationship and the band as well. What the press didn’t know was that he agreed with every single cutting word they printed. He’d messed up everything he’d ever wanted in a series of stupid, stupid mistakes.   
  
  
Looking back he knows he can’t blame the break- up of the band solely on himself. It had been coming for a while. Five years of non-stop hard work and cracks had begun to show in the once unbreakable force. They had spent too much time together with little sleep and no breaks. As the years went by, comments that once would have been taken as general banter became meaningful digs that led to awkward interviews. That’s not to say they didn’t have fun. They all loved what they were doing and no matter what, they really did all love each other. But there a came a point when they decided that enough was enough-they needed a break. Sometime to rediscover who they were, relish time with family and enjoy their relationships before they all resented each other. It was an amicable decision, a hiatus would be perfect- with time alone they could come back together and bring the fans bigger and better music. But that hiatus became permanent. All down to one badly timed web article. Harry could blame the writer but it really was all his doing messing up his relationship with Louis.   
  
  
Harry shook his head tearing his thoughts away from the past. He couldn’t do that anymore, he couldn’t keep looking back and wondering what might have been. He had a new life now and was beginning to make some real new friendships. Friendships he had little choice in making unless he wanted to live life alone as a 24 year old man, only getting calls from his family to make sure he was fine and telling him it really was ok if he wanted to move back home.   
  
  
If he had one regret it was that he hadn’t managed to stay in any form of contact with the boys. He expected to lose contact with Louis after what he had done, but the lack of communication between himself, Niall, Liam and Zayn had come as another blow to the chest. Unsurprisingly they had all taken Louis’ side when the relationship crumbled, but not once did he expect that they would stop talking to him all together. At the beginning, he’d left them all long voice mails, sent apologetic emails and texts but he had heard nothing back. After a while he just gave up, they obviously wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Now the only way he kept up with what they were doing was through celebrity gossip pages. Liam had gone on to become the multi-platinum solo artist that he always had the potential to be. His songs were hits all around the world and Harry always smiled to himself when one came on in the salon, shamelessly humming along to Liam’s deep voice. Zayn had shaken up the model industry becoming a firm catwalk and print favourite. Every once in a while Harry would pass his face on a billboard on the way to work. If it was possible he had become prettier with age, his magnified deep brown eyes and cheek bones staring down at a much smaller sized Harry. From what Harry could gather, his little Nialler had become a song writing mega star. It filled him with warmth whenever he saw N.Horan in the transcript of an album. Niall had always under sold himself on his musical ability but to see him pictured in magazines, receiving awards for his songs made Harry happy for the care-free Irish boy as who was finally getting worthwhile recognition.   
  
  
Louis had become everything he ever wanted and more. He became the nation’s sweetheart- receiving sympathy from every possible outlook. With the nation now fully on his side, Louis had made himself a new man. Every Saturday night, Harry would watch his chat show that was so very Louis it almost hurt. The interviews were always laugh out loud hilarious but they were always sincere and kind with Louis showing genuine care for each person on the show. Not only was he now presenting, but he had fulfilled his dream of acting, staring in films with A-list actors , making a name for himself in households around the world. Although he would never admit it to anyone, he always went to see his films on the first night they were out at the cinema even sometimes when he was the only guy watching a girly rom-com. He swelled with pride whenever he came on screen, but the pride was always quickly replaced by guilt. As a result, every one of these cinema visits ended with Harry back in his flat shamelessly digging into a bowl of ice cream and dodging calls from his sister, who had somehow learnt of his cinema visiting habits.   
  
  
And himself- he was a no one. He corrected himself- he wasn’t officially a no one. He was the guy that everyone had turned against when it all went wrong. He was the passing joke still made in the tabloids today. Harry was the boy who had everything in his grasp and let it all go. He wasn’t Harry Styles any more- the famous singer and boyfriend but Harry – the new trainee hairdresser who couldn’t always remember whether people had wanted a coffee or tea whilst they were getting their hair done and the topic of concern at family events.  
  
  
Harry shuffled around on his seat realising the uncomfortable thing digging into his leg was the tv remote and reached underneath himself to dig it out. He twirled it round in his hands deciding whether he could be bothered to go and make himself some dinner or if he should turn on the tv and enjoy some episodes of ‘Come Dine With Me’ whilst ordering some take out. The decision did not take long, as a mere few seconds later the television in front of him buzzed into life and he was mentally weighing up the pros and cons of either Chinese or pizza. Maybe it was a result of the intense mental debate on which option would be cheaper, that he wasn’t taking much notice of the channel he had turned onto, but Harry’s attention was soon quickly grabbed by the booming overvoice of the advert playing.  
  
  
“An interview you will not want to miss. Secrets will be revealed. The past uncovered. All your burning questions finally answered. Louis Tomlinson’s Life Story on after the break.”  
  
  
Harry’s breath caught in his throat


	2. 2

 

 

He couldn’t believe what he was about to do. He stared desperately into the dressing room mirror as if hoping his reflection would give him a sign of the interview to come. But instead, all that it was showing was his anxious face- blue eyes creased at the corners and the beginnings of a worry line on his forehead. This would be the first time Louis would have to answer questions about some of the darkest days of his life. He could have been naïve and told himself that they would just ask questions about his career and new film but Louis knew that would in no way be the case. They were going to ask about Harry and he didn’t know how he was to cope. Five years later and still the only people he had ever talked about it to were his family and the other boys. 

 

After the press got hold of the story, Louis had not done a single interview but run as fast as he could to the safe haven of his mum’s arms and just let no comment confirm the stories being published. Instead of telling the press his side of the story, he had cried into his mum as she held him tight against her. He turned off his phone and refused to turn on his laptop. He could have been having tv interviews, telling the world how betrayed he felt but no, he spent days on the sofa curled up with his sisters watching countless episodes of mindless children’s television. It would be during these sessions that he would find himself tearing up at the slightest hint of relationships on a programme. His eyes would glaze over and he would have to excuse himself to go to the toilet.   
Louis’ mum seemed to pick up early on of this habit, as whenever he returned from his ‘toilet’ visit , she would be there waiting for him in the sitting room with a freshly made cup of tea and a gentle squeeze of the shoulder. 

What Louis would never know was, while he was on his self-imposed break from the outside world, his mum had logged onto his email and had seen every email Harry had sent him. She hadn’t read them but had instead moved them to a special folder that she would let Louis see when he was ready. To other people it may have looked like an invasion of his privacy but Louis was her little boy, and she knew that at the current moment these emails would break him further. That or he would immediately delete them and later regret not knowing what was inside them. 

 

It wasn’t just Harry he had shut off but the other boys as well. By turning off his phone, he didn’t receive anything Harry sent him, but he also didn’t receive the messages of concern from Liam, Niall and Zayn. The only person he saw outside of his family was Stan. Louis hadn’t called him or invited him over but he had turned up at his front door a few days after Louis had arrived home. His mum had answered the door as Louis had been in the middle of watching Tracy Beaker with his sisters, but the second he heard the concerned voice of his best friend, Louis had untangled himself from the arms and legs of his younger sisters and walked into the hallway. As he entered the hallway he was greeted by the sight of his mum talking quietly to his best friend, but both of them turned around upon hearing his footsteps on the lanolin flooring. No words were needed as Stan took in Louis’ face. Louis’ mum stood out the way as he entered the house and in one stride embraced Louis into a hug. The gentle shakes he felt as he held on to his best friend were enough to confirm the headlines. He didn’t need to ask if what he has read was true, Stan just held onto his friend as he broke down, letting go of all the anguish and hurt he held inside. They relocated to Louis’ bedroom and both squished onto his single mattress, just as if they were 12 years old again. They lay there for a couple of hours even after the tears had stopped, Louis savouring the warm arms of friendship and safety. He knew that he and Stan were close but as he lay there not asking Louis questions just holding him close, Louis appreciated their relationship even more.

 

Stan stayed over that night, eating dinner with Louis’ family -who had always considered him part of it anyway. It was at the dinner table Louis treasured Stan even more, as instead of sitting there sombrely, he told funny stories of things that had happened to him at university. The stories sent his sisters into fits of giggles and made his mum laugh as she tried to cover up the twin’s ears at some of the ruder moments. Louis found himself almost forgetting all of his worries and relaxing into the first smile since he had arrived home. His mum’s eyes had lit up even more as she noticed her oldest’s smiling face, chuckling into his food at Stan’s outrageous tales.

 

Later on that evening Stan had gone downstairs to get a drink when Louis remembered the film they were going to watch was still in the dvd cabinet in the living room. He walked quickly down the hallway and was about to run down the stairs when he heard the faint sound of crying coming from the kitchen. He walked down a step or two and stared through banister rails into the open kitchen door at his mum hugging Stan tightly, tears running down her face. His heart clenched seeing his mum so upset and he was about to run and join her but was stopped when he heard her tear stained words.

 

“I don’t know what Louis would do without you. You’re the best friend he could ever ask for. Thank you so much for coming here today, you bought a bit of my old Louis back and that’s all thanks to you”

Stan went to interrupt, shaking his head but Jay wasn’t having any of it.

“Don’t you try and deny it Stan. I really thought this thing with Harry had broken him… I thought I had lost my baby Lou for ever. I can’t thank you enough.”

As more tears spilled from his mother’s eyes, Stan pulled her closer and quietly spoke, so quietly Louis almost couldn’t hear.

“You really don’t need to thank me. Louis’ my best friend- there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.”

Louis felt another tear role down his face but quickly wiped it away. He stood up and walked downstairs pretending he hadn’t just over heard the private conversation and watched his mum and best friend break apart. He felt Stan follow him into the living room and turned around to explain.

“I forgot I left the DVD downstairs, I’ll be upstairs in a minute mate.”

Later on that night when they were watching the film, Louis curled up a little closer to Stan. He could lie to himself and say it was because he was tired but as Stan smiled down at him, he hoped Stan knew how much he appreciated his friendship-now more than ever.

After the first day of Stan being at his house, Stan seemed to have taken it upon himself to make sure Louis was not at home for longer than an hour as Louis was thrown into a whirlwind of activities. They went shopping- trying on the funniest outfits they could find and taking pictures of themselves on their phones- and with Stan by his side Louis found it a little easier to ignore the pitying looks people would throw him as soon they recognised him. They rediscovered the fun of bowling- also rediscovering Stan’s inability to bowl without the sides up.

“I use them as part of my technique” he would argue as they both laughed at his score of 15 at the end of a game. When he was with Stan, Louis could ignore the voice in his head telling him it was wrong to be happy. The voice that told him that if Harry hadn’t wanted to be with him, then why would he. 

 

It was after one of their trips that Louis and Stan had crashed through his front door, eager for some lunch, laughing about the orange and pink jumper Louis tried on earlier. Louis called out for his mum, surprised when he got no reply as the windows were open and her car was still in the drive. He walked along the hallway looking back at Stan who just shrugged. It was then that Louis noticed the living room door was closed and he could hear the murmuring of voices behind it. He recognised the low deep voice immediately and pushed the door open to be greeted by the site of his mum and Liam sitting next to each other on the sofa. 

“Liam” Louis breathed out, his words only slightly audible.

Behind him he heard the shocked exhale of Stan, but his main concentration was the deep brown eyes that had suddenly turned to face his. Brown eyes that held so much concern, Louis’ stomach flipped just looking into them.  
“Hey mate. “ Liam voice echoed in his ears as he stood up from the sofa but made no move towards Louis.

At that moment, Louis’ mum excused herself from the room squeezing Louis’ shoulder as she went past, pretending that she had some things she wanted to give Stan. Louis almost chuckled at his mum’s lousy attempt of a cover up but was too concerned with the boy standing in front of him.

“What are you doing here?” 

Liam looked down at the floor before looking back at Louis, running a hand through his fringe as he struggled to come up with a suitable explanation.

“I was worried about you Lou. You hadn’t replied to any of my emails and texts. At first I thought it was just me you were ignoring, but I received anxious calls yesterday from Niall and Zayn wondering if I had heard from you as they hadn’t.”

Louis copied Liam’s earlier move, looking down at floor before mumbling “Sorry.”

His head snapped up as he felt Liam’s hands grip onto his shoulders.   
“Don’t apologise mate. You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. Harry’s the one who should be sorry.”

Louis flinched involuntarily at the mention of Harry and he knew Liam had felt it as Liam’s fingers coaxed his head back up again. A moment past with Liam just staring into Louis’ eyes and Louis almost squirmed as Liam carried out his silent analyses. Louis had always admired Liam’s ability to understand a situation entirely just by looking – it was the reason he had been the go to guy in the band. Even though they all teased him for being ‘sensible’, each of them relied on Liam for advice or as the voice of reason. Louis’ thoughts were broken by Liam’s sigh as he stepped back. It was this distancing that gave Louis the opportunity to take in the all too familiar bags under Liam’s eyes and the pale skin of Liam’s face.   
“You look a wreak man.”

At this comment Liam let out an unexpected laugh, almost doubling over on himself at Louis’ words.  
“What? What have I said?” Louis asked confusedly.  
Liam managed to get his giggles under control and looked back at Louis with a fond look of affection in his eye.

 

“I’m meant to be the one worrying about you not the other way round you doofus. And thanks by the way mate, you really boosted my confidence.” Liam replied with a chuckle.

 

Louis gestured to the sofa and they both sat down, Louis curling his feet underneath him.

 

“I’m sorry for not being in touch with you guys, I just couldn’t face getting any messages, no matter who they were from. Are the other lad’s alright?”

 

“They’re fine, just worried about you. They’re both really sorry they couldn’t be here, but Niall’s in Ireland with his family and Zayn’s been dragged on holiday with his. I promised I’d report back to them with any news.”

 

Louis smiled to himself at the obvious concern his band mates had for him, but thinking of the band made him think of someone else. Someone he could ask no one about but Liam.

 

“Have.. have you heard from him?”

 

Louis didn’t need to say any names, from the flash of anger across Liam’s normally neutral expression he knew that Liam knew who he meant. For the first time ever, Louis heard a dark foreboding edge to Liam’s voice. 

 

“Every bloody five minutes I get another message asking for forgiveness. It’s like he thinks I’m annoyed with him for borrowing one of my tops without asking. Does he just expect me to drop everything and act like it’s all ok and that I totally understand what he did?” 

 

Liam sighed again and rubbed over his eyes, clearly frustrated at the situation and at himself for getting angry. For the whole time Louis had known Liam he had only seen him get wound up a few times. In fact, most of those times were at Harry for being irresponsible. Even though there was only a few months of age between them, Liam had always felt very responsible for Harry and due to Louis’ inability to ever get angry at Harry before now, it was always Liam who had dealt with any problems.

 

“Sorry about that. I’m just a bit tired and stressed you know. All those bloody press camped outside my door as if they expect me just to bring a chair outside and tell them every single detail. But forget about that.” Liam said with a wave of the wrist” I’m here to look after you.”   
Liam stretched out his arm as an invitation for Louis to come closer. Louis had had his fair share of hugs these past few weeks but he could never turn down a hug from Liam. As he leaned into the toned body, he felt the warmth of Liam’s body and his finger’s brushing idly through his fringe. Liam made him feel safe. 

 

It was the thought’s of Liam that bought Louis back to the present as he looked over to the bouquet of flowers and good luck card filled with Liam’s scrawl. He reached over to pick up the card, smiling to himself despite his nerves.

To Louis,  
I know you’re probably sitting in your dressing room right now doubting yourself and what you are doing here. But stop that right now. You’re going to be fine- I know you will. You know why I know? It’s because you are you. Show the world the side of you I see every day. Show them that you are Louis Tomlinson- kick ass actor and all round wonderful person. And if you get stuck just know I’ll be sitting there willing you on all the way. Whatever happens be proud of yourself, because you have no idea how proud of you I am.  
L x

 

Just as he finished re-reading the lines, there was a knock at the door followed by the voice of the show’s producer.

 

“5 minutes Mr Tomlinson.”

 

Louis rolled his shoulders and stood up from his chair, looking into the mirror for the final time at his appearance. Deciding he looked as good as it was going to get, Louis walked towards the door. As he stepped into hallway he looked back one final time, holding on to the final moments. The door slammed shut behind him as walked towards the studio. He couldn’t look back anymore.


	3. 3

He shifted nervously in his chair looking out onto the two plush arm chairs in the centre of the studio. Just as he was lifting his hand to his mouth to bite away at his already tattered nails, another hand pushed it away accompanied by an affectionate scolding.  
  
“Stop biting your nails mate, there’ll be nothing left of them if you keep going. Plus it’ll not do Louis any good if he sees that you’re nervous.”  
  
Liam rested his head on his now clasped hands and looked to his left to meet Zayn’s worried frown with a small smile, hoping it would reassure Zayn and himself that it would be ok. It will be ok he repeated to himself- Louis could do this. Couldn’t he?  
  
“What’s wrong Li? It’s not like you to get this nervous.”  
  
Damn. Unsurprisingly, Zayn had not been fooled by his cover. He doesn’t know why he thought he ever would. Liam had never been able to hide anything from Zayn- even after the band split they remained as close as before, both finding solace in each other. For Zayn, Liam had been the one he could vent to about everything he was feeling and Zayn provided Liam with someone he could let down all his barriers with. Neither was very outwardly emotional but it was for that very reason they understood each other. Liam sighed and looked down at the floor before conjuring up the courage to look back at Zayn.  
  
“It’s nothing; just worried for Louis that’s all. You know me- ever the worrier”  
  
Liam attempted to joke, even adding a chuckle to the end of his sentence for effect.Zayn rolled his eyes at Liam, shaking his head slightly before reaching across to squeeze Liam’s slightly too tightly clutched hands.  
  
“He loves you- you do know that don’t you? Nothing’s going to change that Liam.”  
  
“I’m fine seriously..”  
  
“Seriously, Liam if you have any doubts about how that boy feels about you, you must be mad. Just because he’s going to have to talk about Harry today doesn’t mean he’s going to just immediately forget all his feelings for you. You mean the world to him Li.”   
  
A soft irish voice joined the conversation, accompanied by an arm around his tense shoulders.  
  
“He does mate stop worrying yourself and just think, at the end of this we can all go out for some food and drink and have a crackin’ evening. By the end of the night, you probably won’t even remember how nervous you were right now.”  
  
Liam turned and smiled slyly at Niall.  
  
“If we’re going out with you, I’ll doubt any of us will even remember today.”  
  
All three of them laughed and Liam was comforted by the sounds of his closest friends laughing together. This comfort only lasted so long as the laughter cut out, as the lights in the studio dimmed. Now the only light in the studio was the harsh spotlight on the two centre chairs. A booming voice called out silencing the chattering audience  
“Two minutes everybody. Make sure all you mobiles are off before the filming commences”  
  
‘Here we go’ Liam thought to himself; nothing could change what would happen now.  
  
Harry was still with shock. He must have been hearing things; there was no way this could be happening. But it was and that was only too clearly confirmed by a picture of Louis’ pretty face filling the screen following the taunting voice of the announcer.   
  
He’d seen this programme before; sat down with his family and watched as the interviewer asked intrusive questions, not stopping until he got an answer he was satisfied with. Truth be told he’d never really enjoyed the programme, always feeling sympathy for the celebrities being grilled about their darkest secrets. This time though it wouldn’t just be sympathy he’d be feeling. No longer would he be curled up on the sofa with his mum and sister, laughing at them as they discussed in depth their views on what was being said- long giving up on asking Harry for his opinion- but instead he was sat here alone. Alone listening as the questions asked were no longer irrelevant to him but questions that would be directly about him. For years he had wanted to know what Louis thought, but tonight it would not be him who just found out, but the whole country. Whose he kidding, by the time the night was over half the world would have seen it on the internet. Not only that, but Harry was not going to be able to explain himself to Louis. In his head he had always pictured them meeting up one day in their forties. Harry would explain himself whilst Louis would sit there listening, staring at him intently with his too gorgeous for words blue eyes. At the end of the fantasy, they would hug and begin to reunite as friends. But that fantasy was being ripped away from him tonight.  
  
For a brief second, Harry considered turning the channel but some masochistic part inside of him stopped him from pressing the button. He deserved to feel some of Louis’ hurt. He deserved to hear the cutting things that would surely be said about him and not be able to offer a reason. He knew there was no possible reason good enough for what he had done and now everyone would now the truth. It would no longer be accepted speculation but hard core facts. The thought sent a slight shudder down his spine. He was finally making a another life for himself away from the shadows of his past but after tonight they were soon once again to part of his present. Harry could already anticipate the looks at work tomorrow- the half glares and not so silent whispering behind his back. Normally he found the chatter about him at work amusing, silently laughing to himself as he overheard the conversations of his colleagues wondering if they should bring up One Direction. None of them had been brave enough to do it; the closest any of them had come was a week before the Christmas party. He was between clients when one of the newer trainees had sidled up to him, asking if he wanted to be on her team for the karaoke competition as she knew he had a good voice. Before answering he turned his head to see, a group of people badly trying to hide the fact they were dying to hear his answers- some even looking shocked that the girl in question had even dared to ask. He’d politely declined telling her that he couldn’t come to the party having organised to go and see his family for the holidays. Little did they know that he wasn’t coming as it was the night of Louis’ chat show.Harry had tried to convince himself that that wasn’t the reason; after all he’d never really been a fan of karaoke.  
  
His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the house phone across the other side of the room accompanied by the beeping of his mobile in his pocket. Deciding that he couldn’t chance being kept on the phone and missing the looming interview, Harry ignored the ringing and decided to check the message. If they really wanted him they’d ring back later anyway. In some ways Harry wasn’t surprised to see that the screen of his phone was telling him he had a new message from his sister Gemma. Of course she would know what was on tonight. He smiled to himself as he read her message, the obvious attempt for him to not watch the interview plain to see.  
  
New Text: Gem  
Hey Hazhead  What you up to? Fancy giving your big sister a ring? Josh is asleep and Ben’s away on work .. again  I want to hear all about the latest hair styles ,Mr Styles ;) love G xx  
  
He had to give her points for trying and if he hadn’t just seen the advert he probably would have believed what she had written. Quickly checking the television to see that the programme had yet to start, he opened a blank text message and was about to reply when the answer phone message, playing a very familiar voice, caught his ears.  
  
“Hey Harry my darling, this is mum. Just fancied catching up with you and seeing how you’re doing? Don’t worry if you’re too tired from work to ring me back- how about having an early night eh? Nothing on tv tonight anyway. Anyway sorry for rambling my dear, ring me back if you want to. Love you.”  
  
Family – what could you do with them? The women in his family were anything but thorough and with his mum and his sister always being so protective of him, he didn’t know why he hadn’t expected them to plan some sort of diversion. Harry quickly replied to Gemma’s text knowing that she would be annoyed her plan had been rumbled.  
  
Nice try Gem. May have been a little more convincing if mum hadn’t rung at the same time- are you two together by any chance ;) Don’t worry I’ll be fine and tell mum I’ll ring her tomorrow. And about the hair styles (keep to the day job with the jokes sis ;) ) I’ll be sure to impart some of my wisdom to you next time I see you- you could definitely use it :P Love H x  
  
It was only a matter of seconds before a reply came back.  
  
Damn it I knew she was lying when she said she was going to make a cup of tea- mother’s what can you do with them ;) Ah you sure you’ll be ok by yourself- we could always tape it and you could watch it when you come and visit? Who am I kidding- you’ve never had very good patience. Just remember me and mum love you no matter what and Josh thinks you’re the best Uncle ever  Stay strong H p.s you’ve always been jealous my hair is sexier than yours :P xxx  
  
No matter how many people he had lost, Harry didn’t know how he would have coped if his family had turned their backs on him as well. Looking back up from the text he was greeted by the sight of the advert for the sponsor of the programme. Harry laid his phone carefully on the floor, making sure it was definitely on silent, and picked up his tea- clutching the pleasantly warm Jack Wills mug between his hands. He took a small sip before focusing on the screen, trying to prepare himself for whatever was to happen, as the opening sequence began to role.  
  
“In an interview that is sure to have people talking for weeks, this is Louis Tomlinson like you’ve never seen him before. From Doncaster to Hollywood, nothing will be missed out. It’s time the world knew the person behind the nation’s favourite celebrity.”  
  
The montage of pictures faded away to reveal the dramatically lit studio and Harry could practically hear his own heart beating, when out of the side of stage strode Louis, a smile plastered onto his face that Harry could tell was masking his nerves. God he looked good. Even though he was late in his twenties now, Louis looked every bit as good, maybe even better than he did when he was younger. Harry stomach twisted as he admired Louis’ toned but slender body complimented by his choice of burgundy skinny jeans, tailored shirt and blazer. As the camera zoomed in on his face, Harry noticed the slight stubble dusting his enviable cheek bones. But the most important part of the new camera angle, was the clear view of his eyes. The startling blue stared right through the screen into Harry’s soul. How had he given him up? Ten years after meeting, Louis was still the most attractive person Harry had ever known.  
  
The camera panned out again as Louis took his seat on the left after grinning at the clapping audience. Harry watched intently as Lou crossed his legs – right over left – a sign he knew all too well that Louis was nervous but trying to appear casual. He might have convinced the viewers that he was calm, but he could never hide anything from Harry. It was Harry who had been too good at hiding. The clapping died down as the interviewer leaned back in his seat, the questions that contained the key to Harry’s downfall loosely held in his hand.   
  
“Thank you so much for coming this evening Louis. You ready for this?”  
  
Louis looked up at the man with a playful smirk, his unchanging Yorkshire accent ringing out into Harry’s sitting room.  
  
“ ’Course I am. You think perhaps you might go easy on me?”  
  
The audience laughed along with Louis, the interviewer even offering an almost believable chuckle as he shook his head.  
  
“No chance of that I’m afraid. Shall we start then –get this over with?”   
  
Harry watched as Louis’ eyes searched the audience before turning back to face the interviewer with fresh determination in his eyes.  
  
“Yeah , let’s get this started.”


	4. 4

“We’re going to break you in gently by playing a short video clip as a sort of introduction and reminder for you and the audience.”

Harry watched as Louis nodded his head along until the last few words where a flash of worry crossed his eyes.

“A reminder for me? Surely I should remember my life right? I mean I know I’m getting older now but my memory is still pretty good I’m sure.”

The audience let out a collective laugh and Harry watched as Louis shoulders sunk a little bit more down to a normal level as Louis became more relaxed. He always had liked to make people happy.The interviewer shook his head and smiled knowingly at Louis.

“Oh I’m sure your memory is fine but we’ve managed to include a few nice little clips with some familiar faces. Maybe even a few unseen pictures.”

Louis’ face dropped with genuine horror as he placed is hands in front of his face, letting out a loud groan before looking back up.

“You’ve been talking to my mum haven’t you?”

Another groan escaped Louis’ lips when he received a nod confirming his worries. Harry laughed along with audience, fully knowing that if there was one person who could embarrass the normally unflappable Louis- it was his Mum. As well as being fiercely protective of her eldest, Jay had always prided herself on retelling some of Louis’ ‘finest’ moments when the boys had gone to visit. It would be a usual occurrence at the end of a meal for her to run off and grab the family photo album, showing the boys Louis at every age possible. For Harry he didn’t know what was funnier, Louis’ outfits of the 90’s or the fact he would go a highly unusual shade of red, mumbling to his mum that he was sure the boys would rather play Xbox. Louis’ muttering never hindered his mother’s attempts and she would simply tell him to go and make them all a cup of tea and be grateful she wasn’t getting out the home videos. To this day Harry had never seen one of those videos- even when they were together, Louis would claim they were lost whenever Harry even began to mention he might be interested in seeing one.

As Louis shot a mock glare out into the audience, the camera followed his eyes to fill the screen with the picture of Louis’ family. It was the first time Harry had seen Jay since they break up and it surprised him how similar she looked. She still had the same pretty smile and eyes that Louis had inherited, the only sign of ageing a few small stress lines that had not been there before. A new wave of guilt washed over Harry as he suddenly thought of his mum. Harry and Jay had been close but their mums had been best friends. He had never asked his mum what had happened to their friendship, too selfishly wrapped in my own problems, Harry thought bitterly. Harry vowed to himself to ask his Mum tomorrow about what had happened when he phoned her and to send her a big bouquet of flowers when his next pay cheque came in. The biggest shock of the new camera angle was the four stunning teenagers sitting on either side of Louis’ mum. It took him a moment to recognise the now much more grown up versions of the little girls he once remembered. No longer were they the 15, 13 and 8 but fully fledged young women. The only thing that had remained the same were their eyes- each identical to that of their brother. Harry could only imagine how protective Louis was of them now- he was bad enough when they were younger. 

Jay waved back at Louis, laughing at the mock glare that was being aimed her way. The camera flashed back to Louis who was trying hard to stay annoyed but a smile was sneaking through. Louis could never stay annoyed at anyone and was always telling the boys to live in the moment. But Harry had taken that away from him – he had taken advantage of the too forgiving boy’s heart. It was ironic Harry thought- the boy who Louis had loved the most was the same person Louis could never forgive. 

“Whatever she says is a lie-unless it’s about how amazing I am. Go on play it – let’s get this embarrassment over with”

The screen faded away from the two chairs into a picture of an adorable photo of a 1 month old Louis. Harry could just imagine the collective “awhs” in the sitting rooms around the country. He looked so innocent, not yet broken by the dark bruises of life. If only someone could go back and tell the little child of five, proudly riding his bike for the first time without stabilisers, to avoid the green eyed, curly haired boy he would later meet. Avoid the heartbreak and betrayal; avoid learning that his belief there was goodness inside of everyone really wasn’t true.

“Born to Johannah and Mark Tomlinson, Louis William Tomlinson entered the world on the 24th December 1991 in Doncaster. From the moment he was born, his mum, Johannah knew that he had something special about him.”

Jay’s voice followed, quickly by a video of her sitting in, what Harry immediately recognised as the kitchen of their house in Doncaster.

“Louis was always such a happy baby. From the day we bought him home from the hospital, he was always smiling. He would just lie there in my arms and smile sleepily up at me with his bright blue eyes. It was in those quiet moments I knew that I would always protect him-my boobear-he’s going to kill me for calling him that on tv. The quiet didn’t last too long mind you. As soon as Louis learnt to talk, he couldn’t stop- not much has changed since really. I still remember him sitting on the wall of our front garden, dressed in his favourite red power ranger’s outfit, chattering away to anyone who would walk past. I knew from then on my Lou was meant for something great. His ease with people and kind spirit are things I’ve always admired. I know I sound biased being his mum and everything, but I feel truly honoured to get to be so close to Louis and watch him become the man I always knew he could be.” 

Harry felt the wetness around his eyes at the heart felt words but any self-reflection was halted by the video of a young Louis on the screen dancing round his living room to Grease Lightening. Harry couldn’t stop the laugh that erupted from him; the videos that Louis had refused to show even the closest of friends, were now being broadcasted live on television. Louis had always loved the movie Grease and it was clear from this that his obsession had started from a young age. The video reminded Harry of the nights him and Louis used to spend together. They would curl up on the sofa, two cups of Yorkshire tea on the floor and a duvet spread over them as Harry sat through Grease for the umpteenth time, sworn to secrecy that he would never tell the boys that they watched the sing-a-long version. 

“Seven years later, back in Doncaster after moving to Bournemouth, Louis became an older brother for the first time to his sister Lottie. Six years after moving back and Louis was now the older brother of four younger sisters.”

Pictures of Louis with each of his sisters accompanied the words: Louis finger painting with the twins; playing dance-mat with Lottie and Fliss. Harry’s favourite photo of the five together was shown last- he remembered the day it was taken like it was yesterday. It was his first Christmas with the Tomlinsons and they had all gathered in the living room after finishing their Christmas dinner. Louis had been sitting on the sofa with all four sisters squished on with him. Harry had opted to sit on the smaller sofa with Jay, chatting happily to her about his family when he had looked over. The site that greeted him was something that could only be described as perfect. As he looked over at Jay, he noticed her glazed over eyes and smile at the site of all her children together. Harry caught her gaze and gestured for her to the pass the camera placed on the floor from the earlier present-photo session. He took the photo quickly before anything could change. The photo had captured the moment flawlessly: all five of them fast asleep, still with their Christmas cracker hats on, curled up into Louis’ open arms.

“But along with four new sisters, Louis was now receiving his fair share of non-family female attention. With a string of female admirers, Louis set his sights on the performing arts, involving himself heavily in school productions and a band with friends. At 17, Louis took on the role of Danny Zuko in his sixth form’s production of Grease and it was this very role that gave him the courage to audition for the X Factor.”

The video played out with a picture of a younger looking Louis backstage of Grease. His back was to the camera, as he proudly displayed his T Bird Jacket, but his face was turned over his shoulder with a wide grin. However, Harry thought, what really made the picture was the obvious excitement in his eyes as he got to play out the role of his dreams.

Louis looked away from the screen as the final picture faded out and allowed his gaze once again to cross with his mother’s now watery eyes. Although he was sure after the words she had said, his were not dissimilar. He winked at her and let his eyes glaze over the rest of the audience until he noticed a group of three boys in silent hysterics- Louis would never live down that dancing video. At least they didn’t know that the jacket was still hidden in the back of his wardrobe, only making appearances when the front door was locked and he was one hundred percent alone. He couldn’t even be bothered to try and get their attention now; the only chance he had of avoiding teasing was to get them all hammered tonight and hope one of them embarrassed themselves. Knowing them, it wasn’t that much to hope for. 

He refocused his attention back to the interviewer, knowing he would need to concentrate on everything that was being asked of him if he was to avoid making an utter fool of himself on national television.

“That wasn’t too bad was it?”

“Nah it was alright. Don’t think the boys are ever going to let me live down that dancing video though. Plus, got to love my mum for reminding everyone of my all-time favourite nickname.”

Louis felt comforted by the laughter that filled the studio. People were enjoying this and that was all that really mattered to him. The laughter doubled when a loud voice tainted with an Irish accent called out.

“We love you Boo Bear.”

Louis groaned - there would be no escaping the teasing this evening. The interviewer smiled down at him, amused by his obvious shame at the nickname his mum insisted was ‘endearing’.

“Now you mention your mother, I think it would be appear to anyone who knew about you how close you are to your family. Has that always been that way?”

Louis needed no hesitation in answering this question.

“Always.”

He replied with a solemn nod.

“There is no one I’m more protective of than my family. My mum has always been my truest friend. She’s seen me at every high and every low. She’s not afraid to tell me if she thinks what I’m doing is wrong but at the same time she’s so protective that I’m sure she can be a little formidable-just ask Steve Brookstein.” 

Harry laughed along with the audience; he knew personally what a formidable force Jay could be. God help if he ever crossed paths with her. The verbal backhand he would receive would be one for the record books.

“Mind you my sisters would probably agree I’m just as bad.”

“Are those the four girls sitting in the audience?”

“Yeah that would be them. They’re pretty amazing huh? I can’t believe how fast they’ve grown up. It seems like only yesterday I was helping them with their homework and now I’m interrogating boys. Believe me twitter is a marvellous way of finding out about someone.”

“Do you think anyone would be good enough for them?”

“In all honesty? No.”

“Not even the boys in the band?”

“Especially them. The girls may hate me for being so protective but that’s my duty as a big brother. I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like, but I make sure I know everything. Though don’t think it’s all one sided, those four together could make a pretty intimidating judging panel if they wanted. The Tomlinson gene for protecting your own runs pretty strong in every single one of us.”

Harry nodded along. He still vividly remembers his first meeting with the four sisters and how they had all sat down on the sofa in front of him, giving him the most hilarious attempt of good cop/ bad cop a group of under 12’s could manage. Dramatics was another gene that ran strong in that family.

“Now it’s been said that you think of Liam, Niall and Zayn as your family. Would you agree with that?”

“Definitely. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for those lads. My best mate Stan as well. You know what makes me love them even more? The fact that they’ve seen me at my worst and still stand by me- even though they’re not obliged to. They put up with my bullshit and on-going chatter. None of them are actually related to me but most of the time I forget they aren’t. We’re as close as family; we fight like family and I love them like my family.”

Liam clapped along with the audience, warmth, which he was sure the other boys were feeling, growing inside of him. They knew that the bond between them all was stronger than most people had between their family, but to hear Louis say it out loud was really quite special.

“Now you mentioned Stan. Would this be the Stan you went to school with?”

“The one and only.”

“Now we thought he would be the perfect person to ask about your school days. Do you want to know what he said?”

Louis could only well imagine what Stan had said. Both of them hadn’t been the biggest fans of school. The memories of them at school prompted a smile to arrive on his face.

“Go on then- this could be interesting.”

The interviewer coughed before reading off a quote from the note cards in front of him.

“The best way to describe Louis at school would be like trying a drink your friend had made up at a party. Fun at the time for you and your mates, but the consequences the next day not so great. Me and Lou were always too busy trying to entertain the class rather than actually learn something. Would you say this was an accurate portrayal? “

“You know what, I want to say no … but I couldn’t have described it better myself. I know I should be advocating staying in school and all that, but me and learning just didn't get on. There was nothing more I hated then sitting in a class room listening to someone drone on about the importance of a carbon atom. Got to give credit to my teachers though. They put up with more than I could have done. I didn’t think about what I was doing to their stress levels, too busy thinking up the next best way to make everyone laugh. The only time I ever thought about it, was when my mum would come home from parents evening. In the beginning she used to sit me down and try and make me come up with targets of how to improve. In the end she gave up- I think she figured out I was a lost cause. She would just come home and roll her eyes at me, before jokingly cuffing my ear.”

“It’s funny you say that, as you’ve previously said that you first wanted to be a drama teacher.”  
“Yeah strange huh- the kid who couldn’t wait to get out of school wanting to go back full time. The truth is I love kids. Love being around them, love talking to them and love learning from them. Probably due to the fact I still see myself as one of them. On top of that, I love drama. It was the one lesson in school I could go and be myself. There I was praised for being inventive and over the top instead of criticised.”

“Would you say acting was your first passion instead of singing?”

Harry watched as Louis struggled to come up with an answer. In all the time he had known Louis he had never wondered where his true passions lied. He was a natural at both- despite Louis’ protests about his capability.

“That’s a hard question. Truth be told I don’t really know. I love acting I do. It enables me to escape from my reality into someone else’s. But as much as I love acting, no feeling can beat that of a stadium singing along with you and chanting your name. I miss that I really do.”

There was a moment of silence as everyone reflected. Not only had they lost each other but they had lost the joy they got from singing together. Liam would never readily admit it but singing by himself wasn’t the same. He still found himself looking around the stage, in hope his boys would come running on, laughing at the practical joke they had pulled, tricking Liam into thinking they had all left. Sure he had wanted a break from the band but he had never thought that the break would become so permanent.

“We saw in the video that your performances at school gave you the courage to audition for the X-factor?”

“Yeah they did. Having a whole audience telling you your good is a bit different to the confidence you gain from your family. I was so proud when I got the role of Danny. I’d worked so hard for it and all my work had paid off. I probably spent more time practising and worrying over that role than any other I’ve played since. It was the final night when my girlfriend of the time, Hannah, really convinced me to do it. I guess you could say I owe everything in my life to that decision. Without the X-factor ,I would probably still be living in Doncaster and teaching drama, married with children whilst lying to myself about who I really was.”

“Are you still friends with her now?”

A real look of regret crossed Louis’ eyes as he slowly shook his head.

“No and for that I’m truly sorry. But even though things have changed, she’ll always be important to me and I do really hope she knows that.”

Silence followed as the interviewer flicked through onto his next card.

“As I am sure most of the audience know after an unsuccessful audition at bootcamp you were placed into a band with Liam Payne, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan and Harry Styles; a band that would be later known to us all as One Direction. A union that would end in one of the most high profile splits in history.”

It would take an idiot not to notice Louis’ flinch at the mention of his name. A name that had been he had managed to avoid ever answering questions on. A name that no one had really ever dared even say to him. Louis reached for the glass of water on the desk between them and took a large gulp of water. He didn’t care how stereotypical it might be; by the way these questions were about to turn, he was going to need it.

“Are you ready to talk about this?”

Louis stared directly at the interviewer as he placed his glass back on to the table and replied with a grimace.

“Suppose I’m going to have to be.”

 


	5. 5

“What would you say your first impressions were of the boys when you met at bootcamp all those years ago?”  
  
“God that seems such a long time ago now. It’s weird in a way to look back and remember what I first thought of them. So much as changed since then but in some ways nothing has changed at all.”  
  
“Would you say that your first impressions were wrong?”  
Louis thought a moment before answering.  
  
“Not wrong, but only showing a glimpse of what I know of them today. Take Niall- I heard him before I saw him. He was a loud and bubbly lad and that hasn’t changed. But I’ve learnt that beneath that loud exterior, is a guy who is simply trying to keep everyone around him happy. He’s so carefree but at the same time caring, for everyone and everything around him. Zayn was quiet and shy- I think a little intimidated by the whole situation. But underneath there’s this cheeky soul who’s so funny and at the same time so intelligent. It’s from him I’ve learnt when it is the right time to be quiet and just listen to what is going on around you. Liam was so talented and so determined. If anything my biggest fear was letting him down. In the beginning it can easily be said that we clashed a bit. He was a natural leader and I was used, as the eldest sibling, to being the one in charge. Also, I think it’s obvious to most that I’m quite an extrovert – my humour as obnoxious as my personality. But with Liam, everything about him is subtle. We would all be sitting on the bus on tour and he would just say something that was so funny, without the need of gags, which would have us all chuckling for the rest of the day. I remember one evening right at the beginning; it was just us two sitting outside by the patio-heater- the others mucking around in the house. I had been sitting by myself, if I’m honest feeling a little homesick, when he came and sat next to me. He sat there for a while, just keeping me company before squeezing my shoulder gently and asking’ You alright mate? Noticed you weren’t inside with others.’ I looked across and was almost shocked by the kindness emitted from those deep brown eyes and I felt horrible for every bad thought I’d had about him. We talked for the rest of the evening, just the two of us, exchanging our worries and fears for the competition and stories about our lives back home. Liam was and always will be the backbone of One Direction, not only in a musical aspect, but on a personal level. He takes the weight of the world on his shoulders but never lets you see him break- always lending an ear or mediating any arguments in the group. But underneath it all is this childish spirit, shown not only by an unimaginable enthusiasm for Pixar, but in his hope to get the best out of everyone no matter who they are.”  
  
Liam could practically feel himself glowing from the inside out. He could tell his cheeks were beginning to burn not only from the words, but from the intense stares of the two people sitting next to him. He knew him and Louis were almost the definition of opposites attract, each other’s ying and yang. But the way Louis spoke just then showed everyone the true caring spirit that Louis failed to notice in himself. To Liam, Louis would always be what made the group of boys who they were and he scared himself with how much he relied on him.  
  
“And Harry?”   
  
The interviewer pressed Louis for an answer.  
  
“Didn’t think you’d let me get away with that. Never mind was worth the try.”  
  
Louis shuffled into the seat a bit more before he started speaking.  
  
“You know what, I really want to lie and say I could tell what was going to happen from the start but I can’t. When we first met, Harry was the definition of youth and charm. On the day we were asked if we wanted to become a group, one look from Harry was all I needed to confirm that I couldn’t turn this down. It was as though after only meeting him for a few minutes I already felt responsible for his future. He was so handsome, with his curls and bright eyes and he seemed to have no idea of the effect he had on people simply by smiling in their direction. His faith that the group could work was infectious. Maybe that was his age, but he was determined that this would not fail. What was never really advertised during our time as a band was his kindness. He had the kindest spirit and was always doing whatever he could to make sure we all succeeded. Any failure as a group he took as a personal defeat, blaming himself entirely and I wanted to protect him from that. We clicked instantly- I think everyone knows that. Maybe it was that stereotypical bond between the oldest and the youngest, but we were close from the moment off. We told each other things that no one else knew and he was someone I could be silly with. Perhaps it all started from that desperate gaze at boot camp but from that moment on, I made it my mission to keep him happy.”  
  
“Do you regret any of that friendship?”  
  
Harry’s heart leapt in his chest at Louis’ quick reply.  
  
“No.”  
  
The interviewer raised his eyebrow as a sign he should continue.  
  
“I don’t do regret. I tried and it doesn’t work for me. How can I regret something that made me happy for so long? I know the whole world would love to hear how much I hate him, but I can’t say that with honesty. If I took the time to regret every mistake made- small and large – on both of our parts, I wouldn’t have time to live any sort of life. I don’t look back; I work on the here and now.”  
  
The audience clapped loudly, giving Louis the chance to re-gather his thoughts. This was already hard and they hadn’t even got to the worst bit yet. He could do this- he knew he could. His mum had always told him that telling the truth was always better than telling a lie, but it was moments like these he wished it would be easier to lie. To simply tell the world how much he hated Harry. But he couldn’t- when you love someone for so long, to simply turn to hate seemed impossible.   
  
“How do you think the others saw you?”  
  
“You know what, weirdly enough when we first met I was really quiet. I was so scared they’d realise that they’d pick the wrong guy and at any moment they’d send me back home. On stage were 4 incredibly talented and good looking lads and me. All I was was the guy from Doncaster trying desperately to hide the fact that I was gay from a group of boys, who were far more talented than I ever was. However, it was pretty quickly that I livened up- bet they wished they could get the quiet me back!”  
  
Harry couldn’t believe that after all these years; Louis still had the same self-deprecating mind set on himself. He thought they’d cracked that barrier but it was heart breaking for him to see Louis’ doubt publicised on a national scale.  
  
“You mentioned that you were worried about the other boys finding out you were gay. When did you tell them?”  
  
“Surprisingly, pretty quickly. I told Harry first. To be fair it kind of came out as a bit of an accident. We were chatting after all the others had gone to sleep about relationships and stuff, when he jokingly asked me if I’d ever had a crush on a guy.”  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
Louis laughed as he replied.   
  
“Let’s just say I think my shocked silence answered the question. I have to say in that moment I thought it was all over; that I’d be kicked out the group and back on the train home. But there was a just a moment of silence, before he leaned in and kissed me on my cheek. I didn’t even have any time to think of a reply before he whispered ‘Good. At least now I stand a shot with you’, winked and turned over onto his side.”  
  
“Did you and Harry get together shortly after that?”  
  
“Nah it wasn’t till during the X-factor tour that really happened, but it did prompt a very revealing group chat the next day. It really made me wonder why I was worried in the first place. All of the guys are so accepting and judgement free. I really couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.”  
  
“If you both knew that the opportunity was there, why did nothing happen until the tour?”  
  
“Everything has a time and place, you know. The Xfactor is a whirlwind experience- I barely had time to think, yet start a new relationship. Even if it hadn’t been such a frantic experience I’m glad we waited. It gave us time to become closer- we saw each other at our best and worst moments- and by the time the tour came round we knew each other practically inside out.”  
  
“You came out about your relationship pretty quickly if you only became a couple on tour. Normally it takes people years.”  
  
“Yeah I suppose we did if you look at it that way. Me and Harry were pretty spontaneous people so after we told our families we thought, stuff it, let’s just tell everyone in one go. I think when we told management what we wanted to do; most of them had a minor heart attack. Unsurprisingly, they weren’t too eager for a double outing and asked us if they could have a few months to prepare for the publicity.”  
  
“I’m guessing they weren’t too pleased with what happened later?”  
  
Louis chuckled and shook his head whilst replying.  
  
“Nope can’t say they were, but nothing says ‘we’re a couple!’ like a make-out session in the middle of Leicester Square, on the same day that management ask for time to prepare. We had to give them something to do!”   
  
God, Harry thought, that had been such a good day. They had both been frustrated by management and decided a walk through London would help clear their minds. When they had reached Leicester Square they had had to stop due to mid- afternoon congestion. It was while standing on the crowded pedestrian island that he had stared across at Louis taking in his handsome features, catching Louis’ eyes as he turned his head. Maybe it was the twinkle in the blue eyes, but something in his stomach had just flipped. A rare look of shock crossed Louis’ expression as Harry took a small step towards him.  
  
“Are you sure?”   
  
All that was needed was Harry’s small nod for Louis to step forward and lean his face towards Harry’s.  
  
“I Love you.”  
  
He hadn’t replied but simply placed his hand gently onto Louis’ slightly stubbled cheek and pressed their lips together with a quiet determination. For a moment, it seemed that the noises of the London streets had vanished. Gone were the sirens, the loud confused chatter of tourists and the slapping of business shoes on the pavement. All that mattered in that moment was the two them. But seconds later, Harry could sense the stares of the group around them and could only imagine the amount of phones being pulled out. The attention caused Harry to begin to pull away, but Louis only deepened the kiss and he just relaxed again into Louis’ embrace. After a few minutes they separated and Louis had given him a quick wink before grabbing his hand and pulling him carelessly across the street, ignoring the slightly stunned group of teenage girls to their left.   
  
“You know twitter and tumblr are going to go into absolute meltdown.”   
  
“Let them. Now the whole world will know how much I love you.”   
  
Harry stared in absolute adoration into the gorgeous eyes of boyfriend and his reply had almost been an exhale, rather than a spoken sentence.  
  
“God I love you. You know that don’t you?”  
  
“Never doubted it for a minute dear Harold. Now come on let’s find a Maccy D’s- I’m starved.”  
  
Harry watched as Louis’ eyes glazed over on the screen in front of him. He could tell that he had just flashed back to the very same moment. How had he let something like that slip so easily between his fingers?  
  
“Are you alright Mr Tomlinson? Are we ok to continue?”  
  
Louis quickly snapped back to the present and made sure to send a quick apologetic smile towards the interviewer.  
  
“Yep. Sorry man just got a bit lost in my head.”  
  
Liam had to grip tightly on to his seat to stop himself from rushing forward to wrap Louis up in his arms and take him somewhere safe. Niall’s hand brushed reassuringly over his clenched knuckles, as they watched Louis sit himself up straighter in his chair to try and bring himself back to the present.  
  
The interviewer looked slightly unsure but pressed on anyway.  
  
“Despite your public outing, One Direction went on to be the biggest selling boy band of the 21st Century, whilst you were also part of one of the biggest celebrity couples in the world. Would you count those as some of the best days of your life?”  
  
“Who wouldn’t?! I thought I was the luckiest man alive. I was travelling the globe with the four best people imaginable; we had fans turning up wherever we went – sleeping out in the streets just for a chance to see us. Every day I woke up and was so grateful for what I got to do, where I got to go and who I got to do it with. On top of that, I was in the first serious relationship of my life, with someone who I could see very minute of the day if I wanted to. There were no worries about long distance communication and never seeing each other. I got to wake up every morning with the guy I loved at the same time as performing at Wembley Stadium. It was more than a young lad from Doncaster could imagine. That’s not to say there weren’t bad days- we’re only human after all. If you ever had an argument with someone, you couldn’t escape it. There weren’t that many but they were kind of unavoidable considering we spent every minute of the day together. We knew what wound each other up and occasionally it would go a bit too far. ”  
  
“Now it was rumoured, that One Direction were going to go on a break even before the situation with Harry. Is that true?”  
  
“Yeah. Five years of spending almost every day together can get a bit wearing. We were all tired and missing spending time with our loved ones and as a result we all started getting a bit mardy with each other. We thought a year off would help, you know? Give us time to relax and then come back together bigger and better than before. But life happens eh.”  
  
The interviewer paused for a moment taking in what Louis had said before leaning forward slightly.  
  
“How would you describe your relationship with Harry back then?”  
  
Louis paused- how could he define a relationship in that had both made him and broken him more than anything else.  
  
“Intense- in both a good and bad way. We were addicted to each other- touching and being around each other at every opportunity. I can fair say the guys got a bit fed up with our constant PDA. Whenever we were apart we would text, Skype, tweet, whatever- I couldn’t bear to not be with him. I think the main problem was looking back we were so in love- or I was so in love with him- that I let things go. I couldn’t bear to argue with him; in my eyes he could do no wrong. Things I probably should have called him up on- I just let slide and vice versa. I’d be lying if I said to you that back then I didn’t think he was the one. It just seemed so perfect- our families were best friends, we had our first apartment together and finally I had someone who I didn’t need to pretend to be anything I was not.”  
  
“So it’d be fair to say you were more than surprised when the article was published?”  
  
“I guess you could put it like that.”  
  
“Let’s just give the viewers at home a little reminder.”  
  
And there it was. The article that had made still made his heart clench and had provided him with days of anguish and heartache. It was ironic how a single headline could bring around so much destruction.   
  
‘SEX, SPLIFF AND STYLES. Is Harry Styles sleeping his way to a solo career?”  
  
Self- consciously he touched the almost invisible scar under his right eye, as his mind flashed back to the night that had changed their lives for good.


	6. 6

Louis pressed gently against the door as he turned his key into the lock, the boys behind him chattering happily. It was nice to hear after all the recent strained conversations and reassured him that they had definitely made the right decision. A few months off would do them good. Not only would it do the band well, but it meant that he finally had some time to go on holiday with Harry. Just the two of them. No early wake up calls, no repetitive interview questioning; just them, the ocean, a whole lot of time and a whole lot of free booze- perfect. As the door opened, he took in the view of his and Harry’s flat- God it was a mess. But who could blame them; they were never there and the boys certainly didn’t mind- they treated it as a home away from home. Although, however much he tried to hide it, whenever Liam visited he took it upon himself to attempt to place things in piles. Louis couldn’t help but feel slightly bad for him when he would come back the next day to see his ever so slight tidying, become once again a part of large scale mess. But this mess was home. Each fridge magnet littering the fridge, the clothing scattered across the floor and the photos blue tacked to the wall told a story of their lives.  
  
Harry had decided that for every place they visited they should buy a fridge magnet. At first Louis had thought it a stupid idea, but it had soon grown into a competition of who could get the tackiest magnet. It always made it chuckle when he went to grab a beer to see a waving glittery Eiffel tower or, his personal favourite of him and Harry’s heads attached to the bodies of flamenco dancers.   
  
They all naturally found themselves in the living room sat in long established positions- some things really do never change. Zayn and Niall shared the larger three seat sofa with both of their legs spread out into the middle seat, whilst Liam preferred to grab one of the many cushions, placing it on the floor whilst leaning his back against the sofa. Harry and Louis would always share the two seater and even though Harry was by the far the tallest of the couple, he would always curl up into Louis’ chest, Louis’ head resting on top of the brown curls.   
  
“You alright Lou?”  
  
Louis looked down into the dazzling green eyes, stunned again by how he had managed to get himself such a handsome boyfriend.  
  
“Just thinking about all the fun we can have now that we have some time off.”  
  
Harry winked up at him before gently pressing their lips together, elongating the kiss upon hearing the over the top complaints of the other boys.  
  
“Seriously guys, can you not go five minutes without snogging?!”  
  
Louis leaned back pulling Harry down with him, faking groans that quickly prompted Niall to throw an old edition of Heat that he had just sat down on, across the room.  
  
“You guys are only jealous. Just because you’re all pitifully single and don’t have a boyfriend half as sexy as myself.”  
  
Louis watched as the other’s rolled their eyes before he whispered into Harry’s ear.  
  
“Or as amazing as you.”  
  
Harry looked back at him, a relaxed smile crossing and brightening his handsome face.  
  
“Just wait till I get you alone this evening, then you’ll see how amazing I am.”  
  
This time the groan Louis let slip was definitely not fake and it was lucky that the boys had not been paying attention, that he managed to cover it up with a cough and a mock glare at the now wickedly grinning Harry. Louis tuned back into the other boy’s conversation just in time for an oncoming question from Zayn.  
  
“So what do you two lovebirds plan on doing then?”  
  
Louis was going to let Harry answer but as he looked down, he could see that he had obviously not heard the question. Instead he was busy staring almost worriedly at Niall, who was transfixed by something on his phone.  
  
“Travelling hopefully. Probably go up and stay with our families for a bit and I think Haz wanted to try and redecorate this old place but who knows. What about you guys?  
  
“I fancy doing that Open Uni course thing in English but probably just end up spending most of my time going out. Hey who knows maybe even find myself a girlfriend, now I’m in one place for longer than a week.”  
  
“Probably do some travelling with Andy- he mentioned something about a safari trip. Maybe stay out in LA for a bit and do some writing. Also not to sound like a nag or anything, but maybe it’d be best if you and Harry got some professional help with the painting.”  
  
Louis and Zayn laughed at Liam’s suggestion.  
  
“Oh Li where’s your sense of adventure?! What about you eh Nialler- got any fancy plans?”  
  
He watched as Niall looked up with a blank look on his face, obviously having been completely oblivious to the conversation going on around him. Liam tilted his head up to face him, concern lacing his voice.  
  
“You alright mate? You’ve been staring at that phone of yours for some time.”  
  
Niall tried and failed to fake a smile but his continuous sideward glances at Harry didn’t fool Louis one bit.  
  
“Don’t worry. I just can’t believe the lengths some so called journalists would go to-photo shopping some photo together just for a headline.”  
  
Louis sighed, although they hadn’t been subjected to much bad press, it still amazed him that people actually made up stories just to sell newspapers.  
  
“Go on, read it out. We could all do with a laugh.”  
  
It may have been part of his imagination but he swore Harry’s hand clutched his hand a little bit too tightly as he struggled to sit up.  
  
“Nah let’s not read the shitty story. How about we all we got out for a meal as a final hoorah or we could make some fajitas. As a matter of fact I’m sure I bought a pack just the other day-let me just go and check.”  
  
Louis rolled his eyes and pulled Harry back down onto his lap.  
  
“Stop your fussing curly. What’s the harm in reading some made up nonsense, before we have to read all about our hiatus for weeks on end.”  
  
“Yeah go on Niall; let’s see what some creative genius has come up with today.”  
  
Niall coughed awkwardly before sparing one last look at Harry. The look didn’t go unnoticed by Louis, and he unconsciously tightened his hold on the curly haired boy lying on top of him.  
  
“‘SEX, SPLIFF AND STYLES. Is Harry Styles sleeping his way to a solo career? According to a very close and reliable source, Mr Styles has been making his way around some very powerful ladies and gentlemen in the music industry. Our source confided in us that Harry has been worried about the future of One Direction and has been using his looks to ensure a solo career is in the running. And what about Mr Tomlinson you ask? Maybe they’ve broken up without telling us? But no one can deny the fact that the hand he is holding is most definitely not Louis’, and the cigarette in his hand is definitely the type you would buy over the counter.”  
  
Liam and Zayn burst out laughing, shaking their heads in amusement. Louis desperately wanted to join in the laughter but his laugh had quickly died as Harry’s body got more and more tense as Niall read on. Add to the fact that Harry was refusing to look him in the eye, it would be safe to say (however much he hated to think it) that a small part of him actually believed this article to be true. He mentally scolded himself-of course Harry wouldn’t cheat on him and why was he even considering believing some made up trash, published only to make money. But somewhere in his mind he needed proof, needed to be able to see with his own eyes how stupid this article really was.  
  
“Pass the phone Niall. Let’s see this picture.”  
  
It was as if Louis’ voice broke Harry out of his trance and he quickly placed his arm in front of Louis’ outstretched hand.  
  
“Don’t be stupid Lou. Do you really need to see the picture?”  
  
If it was possible, Louis’ heart sank even more upon hearing the slight tremble in Harry’s deep voice. He gently pushed Harry of his lap onto his own seat, before sitting up straight and thrusting his arm out in Niall’s direction, fresh determination littering his speech.  
  
“Yes I really do. Pass the phone please Niall.”  
  
The laughter in the room was quickly halted- none of the boys used to the normally playful Louis speaking in such a way. Harry’s eyes were fixed on the frayed thread of the cushion he was clutching on to, whilst Liam and Zayn shared an anxious glance as Niall reluctantly passed his phone into Louis’ outstretched palm.  
  
  
A rare silence passed over the boys, as Louis felt every pair of eyes bar Harry’s staring right at him. Before looking down at the picture he prayed with every fibre of his being for the picture to be false, purely a work of fiction- something he could laugh about later. He took a deep breath and willed himself to look down. The boys needed no answer. From the growing horror in Louis’ eyes, only too well accompanied by Harry’s rapidly whitening face, it was obvious the only fake thing in the room was the lies they’d all believed.  
  
“Louis…”  
  
“Louis? Mr Tomlinson?”  
  
Louis’ eyes snapped back up to the interviewer. Taking note of his faux concerned facial expression he hoped to God he hadn’t tuned out for too long.  
  
“Um I’m sorry…”  
  
“We can take the article down from the screen if you like?”  
  
He took one last glance across to the article in question. What good would it make if they took it down now? The image of Harry clutching onto the hand of a scantily clad lady with a spliff burning in the other would always be marked on Louis’ memory no matter if he never saw the article again. The one thing the magnified view of the article did do was enlarge the completely lost look in Harry’s eyes. Maybe it was down to the drugs he’d been taking, but something inside of Louis still believed that Harry had really just been swept up by this huge business. After all they had only been 20 and 22. Most people of their age were off at University messing around; the only paparazzi they faced being the pictures on Facebook the next day. Louis didn’t know why but after everything that had happened he still tried to justify what Harry had done. The other boys didn’t understand – to them Harry had messed up big time and that was it. But for Louis it wasn’t that easy. Nothing was ever simple when it came to the two of them.  
  
“Nah it’s ok. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.”  
  
“When was the first time you saw this article?”  
  
The audience in the room were silent and Louis could feel the tension reflecting of every person, including himself. Everyone was waiting to see if he would actually talk about what had happened or whether he would simply brush over it. But Louis had never been a closed book, he hated hiding anything- no ‘brain to mouth filter’ his friends had teased him- and this was something he’d been hiding within himself for far too long.  
  
“The first day everyone else saw it. You’d of thought that someone would have warned me: at least an email from management telling us to deny any up and coming rumours.”  
  
“So you can honestly say you would not have seen this coming?”  
  
Harry leaned forward slightly anxious for Louis’ answer. Looking at the photo on the screen disgusted him to his core. Every time he saw it, he found something else wrong with the photo: how awful he looked, his smirk or the all too revealing outfit the lady was wearing. A person in all honesty he couldn’t even remember the name of.  
  
Louis leant back and looked up at the ceiling willing himself forward.  
  
“You have no idea how many times I’ve gone over the weeks before that day. I look back and I see so many signs that I just didn’t spot. Or perhaps I didn’t want to spot. We’d been having quite a few arguments: about the band, about my partying habits, about our friends. I think I just played it down to us being tired but we were constantly nit-picking each other’s habits. I’ve never been comfortable at celebrity parties but for Harry, that’s where he was at ease. He would always be out with his new friends whereas I would be stuck at home when we came back from a trip. I suppose I was jealous- whenever we came back I never had enough time to go and visit my friends back home. As a result, he would go out with his friends and I would stay at home or go out, most often just by myself, and drink myself stupid. I knew it wasn’t healthy for us but I just kept putting off confronting it- kept making up excuses about not letting the press know that we were arguing. I think that’s one thing I’ve learnt- don’t put things off and just confront them. If I hadn’t been so afraid of upsetting someone, I may have uncovered the lies earlier.”  
  
Liam’s heart sank as he watched Louis laugh self-deprecatingly in the centre of the room.  
  
“It sounds so stupid but maybe I should have noticed Harry’s magazine buying habits. For weeks on end, he would buy every possible issue of Heat and sit and read it from cover to cover. I teased him about it non-stop but I thought it was just Harry being Harry- perfectly odd. But now I think about it, I bet he was buying them to make sure nothing was being published. Maybe I did notice- I mean when the article was published I immediately had this inner doubt that it was true. What kind of boyfriend is that? What kind of person doesn’t doubt an article written about the person they love? People may blame it all on Harry but, you know what, half it comes down to me. “  
  
Harry couldn’t believe it and as Louis’ glazed over eyes filled his television screen, he just wanted to shake it. How could he blame himself in any aspect? Louis had been the perfect boyfriend- funny, caring- but Harry hadn’t cared enough. He had let himself get wrapped up in the excitement of fame and when the threat of losing it came it into play; he had done anything he could do to keep it. Looking back, Harry didn’t know how he had ever justified what he was doing to himself; maybe it was too much too young but you didn’t see the other boys acting like a slut just to make sure the money kept rolling in. Not only did Harry like the parties for meeting people, but also because normally there would be an open bar. With alcohol inside of him, he lost any inhibitions, and seemingly any knowledge of the relationship he was in, and it didn’t take him five minutes to be convinced that maybe trying a few questionably substance would actually just be a bit of fun.  
  
Whether the interviewer had noticed the watery glistening of Louis’ eyes he continued on his verbal assault. Liam gripped his hands tight onto the chair, once again having to stop himself from running on stage. Couldn’t he see that he was already upsetting Louis and they hadn’t even got to the worst bit? Although the physical effects had mostly long faded, the interviewer was pressing deeper and deeper into the scars inside. And when the moment came where he pressed one step too deep, Liam didn’t know if he’d be able to stop himself from running.   
  
“Where were you when you found out?”  
  
“I was with all the boys. Ironically, we’d just finalised our hiatus with the management and had all come back to ours to chill for the evening.”  
  
“So the others were all with you when you found out?”  
  
“Yeah, in fact it was Niall who found the article on his phone. Even though he tried to hide it, I think for a while after he blamed himself for what happened. But I just want to say I’ve never felt that any of it was his fault. If he hadn’t found it, then someone else will have done. Who knows when I could have found out? I might have been asked by a journalist and god knows how I would have reacted.”  
  
“From what you’re saying, I’m guessing it’s safe to assume that it wasn’t just a calm discussion.”  
  
“Harry and I are both very expressive people, so when it comes to heightened emotions; you could say it’s dynamite. We both have a fairly short fuse, so shouting was pretty much inevitable. Problem is no matter how loud you shout, no one ever really listens.”  
  
Louis ignored Harry’s voice and instead focused his attentions back on the photo. He swore he could actually feel bits of his insides breaking as the blatantly real photo stared back at him- taunting his previous ignorance. This photo couldn’t be fake: the hands were too intertwined; the expressions to realistic and the bracelets on Harry’s wrist all too recognisable. He wanted to run- out of this flat, out of the city, to yesterday where he was still in peaceful oblivion. But he couldn’t run. Life wasn’t like that. You had to deal the hand you were given and at this moment, he felt like he had suddenly been dealt the worst hand on earth. He didn’t care that his heartbreak was probably glaring obvious as he looked into Harry’s guilty eyes. Louis wanted answers, and however much they were going to hurt, he wanted them now.  
  
Each pair of eyes in the room was on him as his quiet voice broke the silence.  
  
“When?”  
  
Louis could feel the anger begin to bubble inside him as instead of answering him, Harry tried to comfort him.  
  
“Lou don’t…”  
  
His voice grew louder as shock dawned on the other boy’s faces.  
  
“When Harry?”  
  
“I don’t think this right place Lou..”  
  
Louis visibly flinched as Harry touched his arm, standing up in order to put some more distance between them.  
  
“Don’t you dare tell me when the right time is! Tell me the truth- it’s the least you can do right now.”  
  
“Are you actually saying that this article is true?”  
  
Louis turned his head and fixed his gaze with the confused faces of the other boys before turning back to Harry who was trying not to look at him and spoke with a false sense of calm.  
  
“ Afraid so lads- seems our friend here’s been hiding some things rather well. You going to tell us Harry? Going to explain to us why you’ve been lying to our faces?”  
  
“I haven’t…”  
  
For the first time, the boys heard a menacing tone take over Louis’ voice.  
  
“Don’t lie to me Harry. It seems I’ve been listening to your lies for far too long.”  
  
“Maybe you should go outside for a bit mate? I’ll come with you.”  
  
“No Liam. I want Harry to answer my question.”  
  
The room turned deathly silent as Harry looked pleadingly up at Louis.  
  
“Louis please don’t make me do this here. C’mon why don’t we go outside and chat?”  
  
That was all it took for the anger to burst out. As his voice took on a hysterical quality, Louis couldn’t feel Liam’s reassuring hand on his back; all he could see was the mess of lies staring him in the face.  
  
“I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU EXPLAIN THIS SHIT TO ME! Or are you going to lie to me again and tell me the article is all made up.”  
  
As Harry began to speak, he wished he had been gullible enough to believe the photo to be fake. He wished the words he was about to hear, weren’t about to destroy everything he knew.


	7. 7

His time was up. Harry could feel every pair of eyes on him, each displaying a variation of anger and surprise, but one pair was different. The normal sapphire blue had turned into stormy oceans and with one moment of eye contact he felt sick to his stomach. Even with Louis’ voice still ringing in his ears, he could tell a small part of Louis wanted to think it was all made up- for Harry to tell him that it really was all lies- he wished he could. How could he even begin to explain something he could barely justify to himself? Sure they’d been having our problems recently but that was no reasonable excuse- you didn’t see Louis on the front page of Heat looking like a whore. After the first time, Harry had been so racked with guilt that he’d come up with every possible apology- written letters and had even planned long speeches begging for forgiveness. But they had never been needed. No one had found out. It amazing what you continue doing when you think no one will know.  
  
Harry could feel the dampness on his cheeks as looked desperately down at the floor, knowing what he was about to say would not be what anyone would ever want to hear.  
  
“I’m so sorry Lou. It was a mista..”  
  
“A MISTAKE?! Are you honestly going to feed me some bullshit excuse about mistakes? Because you sure don’t look like you have any regrets in the photo! “  
  
No reply. Was Harry honestly not going to answer? Instead of answering, the stream of tears rolling down his face increased. Normally, a single tear from Harry would be enough for Louis to drop everything and run to his side, but this time the tears only drove his anger further. Louis finally felt Liam’s grip on his shoulder and felt it almost tighten in response to Harry’s tears- as if he was ready to stop Louis diving forward to comfort or harm Harry.   
  
“Don’t you dare start crying! Is this the only time? We not good enough for you anymore Harry? Too busy shagging anyone who will offer you a bit of money? “  
  
Liam winced as Louis’ voice continued to get more and more hysterical and watched as Harry’s tears were accompanied by the gradual tensing of his shoulders. Anyone who knew Harry, knew that this was a sign that he was about to snap; although rarely seen, Harry’s temper was like a time bomb- once started you didn’t want to be around for the consequences.Liam sent Zayn a nervous glance, quickly breaking him out of his freeze, gesturing at Harry with his eyes. He watched as Zayn’s eyes widened as he too noticed the rise of Harry’s shoulders and the gradual whitening of his knuckles. Liam grimaced at him appreciatively as he noticed Zayn take a view steps closer to the sofa- ready for anything that could happen.   
  
What scared Liam the most though was the inward tremors he could feel running through Louis. Every tremor was like another crack in his heart and Liam could feel his defences breaking down one by one. All he wanted to do was to rush him away; take him to the safety of yesterday in his flat- just the two of them playing Fifa- Louis lying across his lap. But running away wasn’t going to make this easier. He wanted answers. How could anyone throw away the life they had with such seeming less ease? How could someone give up a relationship with someone like Louis? Liam was dragged away from his thoughts by the sudden rise in Louis’ voice as he spoke the words that Liam knew he would later regret.  
  
“Who am I kidding- I bet there were hundreds of them weren’t there Harry? ‘ CAUSE THAT’S JUST WHO YOU ARE ISN’T? THE PRESS HAVE BEEN RIGHT ALL LONG HAVEN’T THEY? STUPID LOUIS TOMLINSON FELL IN LOVE WITH SLUT OF ONE DIRECTI…”  
  
Everyone in the room visibly flinched at Louis’ choice of words. They were all angry and wanted answers but in Louis had bought up a subject that was bound to get a reaction. Throughout their time as a band the press had always subjected Harry to merciless teasing about being ‘a player’. No one knew better than Louis how much all the teasing had actually hurt Harry and now in the moment he was hurting the most he was trying anything that would get him a reaction. A dangerously low murmur broke off Louis’ tangent.  
  
“Don’t say that.   
  
“Does the truth hurt Harry? You can’t deny it though can you? “  
  
Louis felt a shudder of fear pass through him as Harry rose from his position on the sofa and walked towards him, once teary eyes showing obvious agitation. But he wasn’t about to stand down- whatever the consequence, he wanted answers.  
  
“Don’t you dare start talking about things you know nothing about.”  
  
“Are you honestly going to blame me for not knowing anything?! The only thing I can see is you high as a kite off to shag some random woman. I know we’ve had our troubles lately but you don’t see me on the front of a newspaper do you? You know why? Cause I pick people to hang out with who actually care about me!”  
  
“Don’t you dare bring my friends into this Louis. I know your jealo..”  
  
“JEALOUS?! WHAT OF THE FACT THAT YOU CAN’T MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE! ”  
  
“YOU KNOW WHAT LOUIS’? THAT’S OUR JOB! TO NETWORK; TO PROMOTE! EXCUSE ME IF YOU’RE DOING A SHIT JOB OF IT!”  
  
“BEING GOOD AT MY JOB DOESN’T MEAN SLEEPING AROUND! LOOK AT LIAM HE PROMOTES THE BAND WITHOUT WHORING HIMSELF OUT!”  
  
“BELOVED LIAM CAN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG CAN HE? MAYBE I WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU HADN’T BEEN OFF WITH HIM?!”  
  
Louis was speechless. Was Harry honestly going to accuse him of cheating on him with Liam? Sure the two had got closer recently- whenever Harry went out with his friends he would go and hang out with Liam; they would talk for hours on end about everything and nothing- but they had never crossed the line of friendship ever.  
  
“Harry don’t be stupid- me and Louis have never been together in that way. He’s in love with you utter idiot – don’t go blaming him for your stupid mistakes.”  
  
“Whatever. You keep telling yourself whatever you need to think but don’t think I haven’t seen the way you look at him..”  
  
“You know what Harry?! If you spent more time looking at your BOYFRIEND than at other people you wouldn’t be in this mess. So DON’T YOU DARE GO BLAMING YOUR SHIT ON ME!”  
  
All the heads in the room flicked rapidly to Louis as his heartbreakingly gentle voice broke through the shouting.  
  
“Guys please stop. Liam I appreciate you defending me and all, but this is between me and Harry. Let’s just cut the bull shit ok? Is the article telling the whole truth?”  
  
There was a moment of silence as Harry’s eyes, that had only recently been filled with anger, looked self-consciously down at the floor.  
  
“Yes but..”  
  
“Get out.”  
  
Harry’s head snapped back up.  
  
“Louis come on…”  
  
“I mean it. Get out. I need some time to think.”  
  
Harry looked round desperately hoping the others would back him up but instead Niall’s voice greeted his ears, demonstrating a sinister tone that he had never heard before.  
  
“Lou…”  
  
“He said get out Harry. I think listening to him is the least you can do right now.”  
  
They all watched as Harry edged towards the door before turning around opening his mouth in a final attempt but he didn't get the chance to say anything. Instead Louis interrupted and his voice that had held so strong before, finally showed signs of weakness as his words cracked at the end of the sentence. Any fight that was in him had gone.   
  
“Just go. Please Harry just go.”  
  
And it was only as Harry shut the door behind him with one final glance, that Louis let himself shatter. As three pairs of arms wrapped around him, the tears he had been holding back finally fell along with Niall’s phone that that been tightly clutched in his hand. He couldn’t hear the words of comfort or feel the soothing hands against his back as the sobs shook through him. All he knew was that he was breaking apart and that the arms clutching on to him strongly were the only thing keeping him together.


	8. 8

“I know this might be difficult but could you give us a rundown of what happened that night?”

Liam winced at the pathetic attempt of a sympathetic voice. However hard any of them tried, that night would always be locked in their memories. Each of them had regrets from that night, whether that be what they said to each other or the fact that Liam knew he should have tried harder to get Louis to stay the night at his. Even now it still plagued his conscience how if he’d been that little bit more adamant in getting Louis to come with him, or if he’d simply stayed in the apartment with him, perhaps there wouldn’t be there the mess that was once One Direction. Liam was overprotective of Louis, he and every one of their friends knew that, but he didn’t care. He had screwed up once and he was never going to let that happen again.

Louis shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He knew it all came down to this. This would be the section of the interview that would be splattered across the headlines tomorrow. Every word would be twisted and manipulated by journalists around the world, along with dedicated fans who would analyse his every last facial expression. He spared himself one final look into the audience, looking for the brown eyes he knew would be brimming with concern, before he took a final breath and summoned all his inner strength, hoping the slight waver in his voice was only noticeable to his ears.

“That night there was a lot of things said that shouldn’t have been, but after finding that article I wanted answers and Harry just wouldn’t give them. So I pushed and prodded and if I’m really honest to myself, I already knew what the answer would be and as a result, maybe I said some things that really weren’t needed. But when you’re angry you say things don’t you? I wanted a reaction- I wanted him to feel the pain I was feeling in that moment. But Harry and I both give as good as we get, so by the time he actually confirmed the article, I didn’t want to hear. I’ve…”

Harry’s heart broke as Louis’ voice noticeably cracked on screen and his eyes began to redden around the edges.

“I’ve never been so angry, upset and confused all at the same time. I would have given Harry my world and he’d just ripped mine away from me. Maybe if I’d let him stay I’d have an answer now as to what really happened. After Harry left and I’d sent the boys away, all I was left with was my thoughts. I went over the last few months in my head and it all seemed so bloody obvious. All those times he’d been ‘visiting his family’ or ‘just out to drinks with friends’ and come back the next day with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and the offer of a night just the two of us and an old movie. He’d come back and things would be great- just like at the beginning. I never suspected a thing when his mum would ring and tell him she missed seeing him, even after his supposed trips home. How did I not spot these things? How was I so oblivious? In that moment the only person I could blame was myself. What was I doing that had Harry looking elsewhere? Did I not give him enough attention? Was it the fact that I never washed up, my aversion to any form of tidying or my need to have music on as loud as possible? Had Harry finally realised he could do so much better than Louis- the boy from Doncaster who’d failed his A-levels, had a concentration span of a gnat and would be better off behind the till at Topman than in a multi-platinum band.”

As he reached the end, Louis could feel the tears leaking from out of his eyes and he tried to wipe them away quickly with the back of sleeve. The water stained the fabric but he couldn’t bring himself to care- Liam would know which dry cleaners to take it to anyway. In the audience he could see his Mum furiously wiping at her eyes with a tissue and all he wanted to do was stop the interview and rush over to her. Rush to her and the golden haired boy two rows in front whose face was equally as tear stained.

Harry wanted to shout at Louis to stop being so stupid. The only thing stopping him shaking his tv was the fact that doing so would break the thing and stop him watching the rest. Seeing what he had done to someone as wonderful as Louis- he would never forgive himself.

The interviewer coughed awkwardly, unsure if Louis’ tears meant he should stop his questions, but he was being paid to deliver the big headlines, Liam thought bitterly, and there was no way he would stop now.

“Was that the last time you saw Harry?”

Louis slowly shook his head before speaking.

“No he came back later that night.”

Even now he could still smell the stench of alcohol as Harry came back into the flat that night, still hear Harry’s stumbling footsteps and plaintive calls of Louis’ name.

“The next morning this photo of you was spread in the press.”

Louis looked across and stared at the incriminating picture. It was quite blurry- obviously the work of someone’s phone in the service station car park- but the bad quality did nothing to distract from the slowing emerging bruise just under his eye that couldn’t really be explained away as a result of several nights of not enough sleep. From what Louis could gather from Stan, this photo had been plastered across the newspapers accompanied by one of Harry leaving the flat the next day, sunglasses puled firmly over his eyes, a beanie covering his unruly curls and in clothes that were far from the normally immaculately put together outfits Harry would usually refuse to leave the house without. The press had gone wild- each of them speculating over what had happened. The funny thing was, some of them had probably not been far from the truth.

“Not the greatest photo of me that now is it?”

Even Louis grimaced at his own weak attempt at joke.

Looking at the photo made the 5 years that had gone past seem like nothing more than a few days. He was back there in the car, hands gripped to the steering wheel; try to keep hold of something- anything. He had turned the radio on to try and avoid listening to the personalised ringtone he knew only too well, but the radio was no use. As Ed’s all too familiar voice filled the car, it was all Louis could do to slam the radio off before he let out a broken sob. And maybe it was because Louis finally let himself go that he didn’t hear the change in ringtone. Didn’t see the name on the screen not flashing up as Harry but Liam.

“You can choose whether you want to answer this question or not, but you’ve never confirmed or denied the stories that accompanied this picture. What actually happened that night?”

Louis felt sickened by the interviewers’ badly hidden almost excited tone as he asked Louis the question he was getting paid to ask. He knew there was no right answer to this question- if he refused to answer it would confirm what the press thought already but he knew any answer he gave would be painted to make him seem solely the victim. The Harry he saw that night was nothing like the boy he knew and Louis really didn’t want for what he said to reflect on to Harry now. The years had been and gone and there would always be a small part of him that he would never get back, but he was still Harry. To Louis he would always be the fresh faced boy who walked onto the stage at bootcamp- the first person he let himself fall in love with; not the booze clouded green eyes dawning with horror as he stared down at Louis crouched on the floor, his hand clutched to his cheek. 

“Let me just clear this up right now. The things that happened that night- what was said and what was done- bears no reflection to the person I see myself or Harry as. In life we do things that we regret- some regrets are bigger than others- but all of us know that we wouldn’t want other people to judge us for what we had done. I understand that people are genuinely worried for me and about what happened, and I couldn’t be more grateful to be surrounded by such loving people, but what happened that night will always stay between me and Harry .”

Louis could feel the tears running down his face but he could care- he needed to say this.

“That day I thought I’d lost everything, but if anything it showed me the true strength and beauty of the people in my life. They rebuilt me from nothing to what you see today, and if there isn’t anything else I’ve learnt from them, it’s that everything has a time and a place. So take of what I am saying and those photos as what you will. But I’m in finally in a good place in my life and you know what, I hope Harry is too. What good would it do start seeking revenge? Revenge will get you nowhere but alone with your own bitterness.”

For a brief moment, Louis doubted everything he just said as silence engulfed the studio, but his doubts and the silence were quickly broken by the beginnings of applause coming from the corner of the room which seated the most important people in his life. The applause quickly spread around the room like wildfire, even the interviewer seemed shocked that Louis hadn’t taken the opportunity to sell his version of events. In that moment, there was only one person who mattered to Louis, and as proud teary brown eyes connected with blue, he knew he’d done the right thing.

 


	9. Chapter 9

He was in shock. Even as the tears ran down his face, he didn’t wipe them away. Then and there, Louis had the opportunity to finally get revenge on Harry; in front of the whole country for what he had done that night- for the bruises that Harry had left him with. But instead, in a way that was so very ‘Louis’, he had held back and instead given a speech that was so full of acceptance and forgiveness that the guilt it created in Harry’s heart was almost as bad, if not worse, than the events that would have followed if Louis had actually said what had happened. 

Regret – an emotion Harry knew only too well. If only when he left his and Louis’ flat, he had not walked past a bar offering cheap booze and a TV showing the Man United match. As he had stepped inside, he had been surrounded by office workers- ties slack around their necks as they celebrated the end of the working week- exchanging the latest office gossip, some even talking about their favourites on this year’s X-factor. Others simply watching and debating the match. Not one of them seemed to recognise the face that was regularly splashed across the tabloids and maybe as a result of being too caught up in the match, did the barman notice that he was paying in £100. One drink flowed into the next as Harry tried to numb and block out his mind. But through the cheers as one of the football teams scored, no one noticed the tears running down the face of the curly haired boy at the bar. Right then, the millions of album sales nor his bank account balance mattered- he was just a nineteen year old boy who had screwed up. And no amount of money or fame could solve that.

“What happened after that night?”

“I ran home as fast as I could. It’s funny really – I was twenty-one years old and the first person that came to my head was my mum. I mean, I love the boys more than anything but in that moment I needed someone who would be by my side no matter the circumstances – without having to worry about contract obligations and publishing deals. I’ve always heard that, in the hardest of times you learn the strength of a relationship and I now truly understand and believe that. I arrived at home without any warning, letting myself in the house with my keys and the first thing I could hear were my mum and sisters’ voices as they sat down for lunch. The twins’ laughter, Lottie and Fliss arguing over a seat and my mum humming along to the radio – God, it just sounded like home. And just like that, I could feel all my barriers washing away. If it hadn’t been for my mum calling out to her boyfriend thinking it was him who had just come in, I would have just broken down right there in the hallway. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t call back and mum walked into the doorway. I watched as her face dropped in surprise and horror began seaming into her expression before she let out a sigh of ‘Oh Lou’ and that was all it took, all it took for me to run into her arms – to feel safe for the first time in the past two days.”

Jay couldn’t believe it – she went to call out to the girls that their brother was home but stopped as she saw Louis’s face. She felt her mouth drop slightly as she took in the tired bruised features of her eldest son. His eyes were reddened and his normally feathered hair fell flat across his face, as his blues eyes looked out at her in desperation. It didn’t matter that he was now an adult who had travelled around the world – her baby had been hurt and she wanted him safe in her arms. As she closed her arms around him, she felt him crumple and right then she was ready to kill the person who had done this to her boy. Knowing the girls would be keep themselves busy arguing for a while and knowing full well that Louis wouldn’t want his sisters to see him like this, she led him; still clutched to her chest, onto the nearest sofa in the living room- making sure to firmly shut the door behind her. She sat there for a few minutes just rocking him gently against her, humming gently as his shoulders shook. With each second that past of Louis’ sobs, the anger inside her grew. It would only take one tear from any one of her children for her to jump to their defence but seeing the broken mess in front of her – having to witness the pain and torture her boy was going through, she was ready to face down anyone. 

After the worst of Louis’ shaking had stilled, Jay tilted his head up towards her, gently running her hand down his bruised cheek wiping away the few remaining tears. The face staring back at her was almost unrecognisable, as her normal beaming radiantly son was nowhere to be seen. There was only one person in the world that could possibly make him this upset but she honestly couldn’t bring herself to believe that the mess in front of her was down to a certain curly haired boy; a boy who she had grown to love almost as a son.

“Oh Lou, what happened baby? Come on you can tell me.”

She waited patiently as Louis took a moment to control himself, but as the words started to come the tears restarted, muffling his already emotion strengthened Yorkshire accent. Even through the mess of sentences, Jay managed to vaguely guess what he was trying to tell her. But God she hoped she was wrong.

“We had a fight.. and Oh God Mum it was all true.. I’m such an idiot… He came home and I should have just walked away and left it to the next.. I’ve never seen him like that before.. he was soo out of it and I.. I just ran out..”

Jay pressed her hands firmly to the side of his face stilling his frantic head movements, staring him straight in the eye and asked him the question that in reality, she didn’t know if she wanted the answer to.

“Did Harry do this to you, Lou?” she questioned with a stern yet wary look on her face fearing the answer she knew was about to be told.

Louis tried to move his head and look anywhere but into his mum’s eyes but Jay wasn’t going to let this one go- not when her baby was this hurt. She tried again this time, using her most calming voice possible.

“Come on baby, just tell me. Did Harry do this to you?”

As the tears once again started falling rapidly down her son’s face accompanied by a shaky nod of the head, she knew a verbal reply wouldn’t be necessary and pulled Louis straight into her chest. There would be no way she was letting him go now, and as the anger slowly built up in her chest, she gripped on to him that little bit tighter. It was only just through the muffled crying that she heard it- heard the words that broke her heart into a thousand pieces.

“I thought he loved me mum.”

“After I told her it was all I could do to stop her driving down to London that very afternoon but thankfully for all our sakes, I managed to convince her out of it. That would have really made the presses day wouldn’t it- ‘Louis Tomlinson’s mum arrested for throwing eggs at Styles’ car’.”

The audience laughed especially Louis’ friends and family, knowing full well that headline was far from unrealistic.

“You know the other great thing about being at home- when you have younger siblings you can’t just mope around feeling sorry for yourself. What good would it do to them to see their older brother completely distraught? So for them I soldiered on, they kept me from spiralling into what would have been a very dark place. For them, I woke up and put a smile on my face until they left for school. They were being bombarded with questions outside by friends and by nosy parents; they needed me; their older brother, not Louis – the emotional walking disaster.”

“ It was during this time away from the public- that you took a holiday with your friend Stan and Liam from the band- is that correct?”

“Yeah a couple of weeks after playing a bit of a disappearing act on everybody- not just the public- Li and Stan tracked me down. They’re amazing and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here today. Every day we were out the house doing something new. They got me laughing again and scared off any one who even looked they were going to ask me a question. One day I woke up and went downstairs to see three suitcases in the hall and the two of them standing there with these mega-watt grins on their faces. I was literally shoved a plane ticket and my passport and pushed into a taxi on my way to the airport before I’d even had time for breakfast. It’s rather odd how sometimes the people around you know you, better than you know yourself.”

“Where did you go?”

“We went skiing in some tiny corner of Italy. And God, just sitting on top of a mountain looking out really puts your life into prospective. Up there it’s so quiet; the only thing around you is the mountains, the snow and a few left over ski tracks- no fans, no business executive, and no expectations. You sit there and feel so small and humbled by these giant beautiful feats of nature that have gone through so much wear, tear and change but remain strong. It’s like nothing can defeat them. As a matter of fact I think have might have a photo in my wallet, let me just check.”

“Hey Lou, do you want something to drink? – I think I actually remembered to put a tea bag in the flask today. “

Louis chuckled as he watched Liam plonk down next him, routing through his bag of ‘just in case’, his natural wavy hair spilling out from under his stripy red hat and a look of extreme concentration on his face. 

“Nah don’t worry about it mate. How about you come and sit, enjoy the view with me. Where’s Stan anyway?”

Liam tossed his bag to the side and curled his arms around his knees, playing with a bit of snow between his fingers as he sat down.

“Went back to the chalet to get his camera I think- said something about wanting some new photos for his house next year.”

Louis nodded slowly and went back to looking out. The first week here had been so much fun- skiing every day, trying the local beers and watching Liam get more and more embarrassed as he and Stan got more and more drunk. Not one thing about back home had been mentioned and he knew Liam was dying to ask. He knew that Louis was running away from his problems and he had let him, but he knew that needed to stop. In a few more days, they’d be back in England and there it wouldn’t be so easy to ignore. 

“Thanks Li.”

“What for mate?”

“Just everything you know? For this holiday; for not asking me things when I wasn’t ready. Just being unchangingly you I guess.”

He looked across and noticed Liam staring at him intently before he looked away again, running his hand through the soft layer of snow.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing I know you wouldn’t do for me.”

Louis let out a sigh, taking in the view before him.

“It hurts you know.”

“What Lou?”

“Every day I wake up and my heart just hurts. And every day I wake up and ask myself why. What did I do? What could I have done? Sometimes it hurts so much I just lie there and I can’t bring myself to move. “

“Lou..”

“Why did he do it Liam? Because I can’t work it out. Was I not giving him enough? I’m so angry at him I just want to pick up one of his calls and just yell. Tell him what a little shit he is. But I know the second I hear is voice I wouldn’t be able to. God I never knew it was possible to love and hate someone so much. I had my whole life planned with him by my side- I’d planned how I would propose, where we would get married; even named our children for god sake. And now it’s all gone. “  
He felt Liam move in closer and tuck an arm round his shoulder- not speaking knowing that Louis had more to say.

“I didn’t even recognise him when he came back that night. He was so out of it- I could even smell him coming through the door. Right before he.. he.. well you know.. there was this look of pure anger in his eyes and I was so scared. I literally thought that was it- that in the next second I’d be lying on the floor unconscious. But after, when I looked up at him, that look had vanished and he just looked terrified. I don’t think he could believe he’d done it. What happened to him Li? What happened to my Harry? Did we not protect him enough? Did he not realise what he was doing? Could he really be so selfish to put his relationship and friend’s careers on the line? What did I do?”

“It’s not your fault Lou.”

“But why do I feel like it is?! I was meant to look after him…”

“Harry could look after himself. What he did is all on him not on you do you hear me? And I never want to hear you blaming yourself again Lou – I’m serious. If you’re to blame, than so are the rest of us. None of us noticed what he was doing.”

A moment of silence passed between the boys as Louis leaned his head onto Liam’s shoulder.

“What do I do now Li? In a few days’ time we’ll be back in England and everyone’s going to want something from me. “

Louis’ voice finally cracked.

“I’m not ready to be alone.”

“Your never alone Louis. You’ll always have me there no matter what. And Stan and Zayn and Niall. We’re not going to leave you alone in this. We stand by each other no matter what.”

Harry’s screen was filled with the zoomed in version of the slightly crumpled photograph that Stan had taken. The photo was truly beautiful. There Louis was, his head leaning on Liam’s shoulder, the early setting sun casting a golden glow onto the two of them, the glistening snow and the mountain peaks behind.

 


	10. 10a

"After that trip, all of you disappeared from the public eye for at least year. Was it not odd going from cameras in your face every single day to nothing?”

Louis leant back as he tucked the photo back into his wallet.

“It was odd yeah. But I think I speak on behalf of the other boys, that we really needed it. For the last three or four years of my life, I had had a schedule: appearances, photo shoots and concerts and somehow I had managed to make it to the age of 22 and still have no clue about the real world. My friends were out getting jobs, talking about mortgages and student loans and I was still stuck at eighteen year old Louis. Don’t get me wrong I really was living the dream but that’s what it was really- a dream. A dream; in which reality had a passenger seat. In that year I learnt about so many odd but essential things I had missed out on- how boring doing a weekly food shop is; that the best people watching is at the pub’s quiz night on a Friday evening, how to make a roast dinner- god even how to make something other than what you put in the microwave. Most importantly I learnt how to how to live and function on my own. It’s funny but that year was the first time I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 16. For seven years of my life, I was always partly defined by someone else but I finally had to learn how to just rely on myself.”

“What did you do during that year?”

“It probably sounds boring but I bought myself a small little house a couple of blocks away from my family and got a job as the drama co-ordinator at my sister’s primary school. Let me tell you, trying to impress a group of seven year olds about a new game they’ve never played before is the toughest crowd I have ever faced!”

“Where do you want this box Lou?”

Louis looked over to see Niall striding merrily towards him with a box that would probably be best carried by two people, wobbling precariously in his arms.

“Upstairs mate but if you wait a sec I’ll be there to help.”

“Nah don’t worry got me a little helper anyway.”

It was only when Niall and his gigantic box moved slightly to the side; Louis saw the toothy grin of his youngest sister Daisy.

“What you doing here Daisyduke?”

“Your mum was just popping round some stuff that you left at her house and Miss Daisy here, thought she’d help me with this box.”

Louis raised his eyebrows at Niall, knowing that Niall knew full well about his sisters little obsession with him.

“Sure- whatever you say mate. Just make sure not to get in Niall’s way love”

Louis rolled his eyes as Daisy half- heartedly nodded at him before following after Niall- an adorable mixture of fascination and adoration crossing her features. He still didn’t have the heart to tell her Niall would never date girls that were currently 10 years old. 

Realising he’d left the box he was meant to be carrying downstairs and knowing how put out his mum would be if he didn’t at least go and say hello after all she had done finding him the house and the job, Louis took the first set of stairs in the house two at a time. As he reached the hallway he took note of all the things that needed to change immediately, for one- the hideous carpet. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about whether his shoes were muddy for a while. He strolled down the hallway before being halted by a noise that even through a shut door and some decidedly worrying clanging upstairs he could recognise in an instant. He felt rude listening to this personal conversation, but Liam had not yet shown any break in the wall he had surrounded himself in since Harry had gone. He knew that it must be Zayn in there with him as they had been setting up the television. Weirdly the thought of it being Zayn instead of him made something churn within his stomach. If he could just gain a tiny bit of insight into how he was feeling than maybe for once he could help. Help the boy who had bent himself over backwards to help him.

“This so messed up Zayn!”

Zayn rolled his eyes from where he was leaning down on the floor plugging in the final cables to the television. 

“Not everyone likes to order their DVDs chronologically and alphabetically mate. Plus this is Louis, we’ll be lucky if all the boxes even have the right DVD in them.”

Liam let out a controlled sigh.

“That’s one thing Harry could do-keep the DVDs organised. Shame he couldn’t keep other things under control eh?”

If anyone else had been listening they wouldn’t have noticed the slight tremor in the normally so controlled voice. Wouldn’t notice the well hidden sniff or the fact that Liam’s’ tone held far more passive malice than one would expect from someone who was just a friend.

Zayn turned round just in time to catch Liam’s hand brushing against his eyes. He tried to cover it up with a well-timed hair flick but from the fact that Liam was stubbornly staring at the ground, Zayn could instantly recognise a ‘Liam’ cover up.

“You alright man?”

Zayn’s worries were only confirmed by Liam’s nod of the head of reply whilst continuing what could be seen as an intense investigation of the carpet, instead of a verbal reply. Zayn sighed before walking over to Liam and sitting next to him on the sofa. Upon closer inspection he could see the red rimmed edge of Liam eyes as he continued blinking furiously trying to budge the tears lacing his cheeks.

“In case you were wondering I never told Harry about how you felt- “

“I know you wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Just making sure you knew because I know you will be killing yourself trying to sort this all out in your head right now.”

Liam finally turned his head towards him and Zayn was overwhelmed by the hurt and sadness reflected in his friends eyes. 

“You know what – all this time I thought it’d be easier if Harry and Louis weren’t together- that maybe then I would get my shot. What kind of person thinks of scenarios where his two best friends break up?!”

“Li-“

“You know what’s even worse, for a split moment when Harry left, some part of me was happy! What kind of sick and twisted person does that make me?! My best friend’s heart was breaking and all I could think about was how I finally had my chance.”

“You’re not a saint Liam! It’s only normal for you to want to be with the guy you like.”

“Not when the guy obviously doesn’t want you back.”

“He does love you Liam. I can see it when he looks at you even if you can’t.”

“Not enough. He’ll never love anyone like he loves Harry.”

Zayn watched as the heartbreak in the deep brown eyes quickly changed to horror as the living room door started to open.

“Just go with me.” He managed to mouth just as Louis’ oh so recognisable voice filled the room and Zayn found himself flinging his body so that he and Liam now had their heads facing the crack in the sofa arm.

“You alright lads?”

Zayn lifted his head to shoot Louis a smile.

“Yeah we’re great man. Li here just dropped the batteries for the TV remote down the sofa.”

A strange wave of sadness seemed to cross Louis’ expression as he gazed across at Liam who was now making a half-hearted attempt of pretending to look for the ‘missing battery’. But this sadness was quickly replaced by a smile a little too wide to be convincing.

“You found it mate? Or do you need some extra Louis help?”

Liam quickly popped his head up, his face Zayn noted, once again occupied by his normal lopsided smile.

“Nah but don’t worry I’ll just go and get another one from the kitchen. I’ll make us all a cup of tea eh?”

Both boys watched Liam’s quickly retreating back with concerned expressions and Louis wondered who in the world could not love Liam enough. Right in that moment he made it his mission to find out who had made Liam cry because more than anything Liam deserved someone who loved him back. That evening when they were all watching the football and the other boys were yelling obscenities at the referees decision, Louis made sure to hug Liam that little bit closer and for that evening all thoughts of Harry were pushed to the back of his mind. His head instead filled with thoughts on how oddly soft Liam’s hand and his body warmed by the heat exuding from Liam’s strong body. And that night as one heart began to heal just that tiny bit, the other continued to fracture.

END OF PART ONE

 


	11. 10b

Harry could remember that house well. The red front door; the miniature lawn in the front garden with grass just that bit too long to be seen as neat. He could remember the hours he spent on Google maps trying to find it after Ed had spotted some photos Louis had put on Facebook. Followed by the hours he had sat outside in his car willing himself to go and knock on the door. Sometimes it would be just him in the car, but on the odd occasion his sister or Ed would sit there with him- not saying anything, just siting until Harry decided that he wasn’t going to knock. Neither sighed or shot pitying looks, knowing full well Harry didn’t want them. In fact Ed’s only comment after was always that he could ‘really murder a Nandos’. He’d stopped going in the end, something inside him knowing full well that he never was going to walk up to the door. The final time he went was the first time he got out the car. He didn’t walk to the door but instead to the park just in front of the house. No one noticed him as he sat on the bench. A year before and he would have had people running up for photos, but now he sat uninterrupted. Around him, children were running and yelling as they played on the park; mothers stood around in clusters chatting and groups of teenagers could be seen lying on the grass, school bags carelessly flung to floor. For the first time Harry felt truly alone. 

                He had driven back that night to find not just his mum, sister and step-dad but Ed also, all sitting round the kitchen table, each of them clutching a cup of tea. As he walked into the kitchen, the intense whispering had stopped and all of them had looked over. He had expected a barrage of questions as to where he had been and why he hadn’t answered his phone, but he knew they must have taken one look at his tear stained face and known the answer.

“Sorry I didn’t answer my phone- went on a bit of a drive through the Peaks.”

Harry watched as Gemma and his Mum exchanged a quick glance before Gemma chose to reply. Both of them knew what the Peak district mean to Harry- it was where Anne had taken them when she had broken up with their Dad; where Harry had gone when they had come 3rd on the X factor and when he and Louis had their first argument.

“Don’t worry H, we’ve just been telling Ed about our famed monopoly tournaments.”

Harry found himself smiling despite himself.

“Oh really? About the fact you always lose or…”

“I DO NOT! You just stop playing when you start losing.”

“I’m not the one who snuck down in the middle of the night to give myself more money..”

“You have no proof I did that! Not like when you threw the board off the table-I think we all saw that!”

Ed leaned back in his chair and chuckled.

“I so have to see this.”

Robin laughed.

“You have no idea what you’ve started. I’ll go and get the board.”

Anne got up and started moving things off the table before walking across to Harry and running her hand gently through his hair.

“Do you and Ed want to go and get something for dinner from the village whilst we set up?”

Harry relaxed into her touch, leaning back into his mum’s hand.

“Yeah sounds great mum. You coming Ed?”

“Sure man. I think you need to prepare me for this.”

“Make sure to get some Pringles Haz!”

Ed- the one person who had stuck by him. The person who had found him sobbing in his apartment the day Louis left. The one person who had listened to what had happened and had not run away. The one who rang the ambulance and his mum when he found Harry unconscious in the bathroom of his apartment. Ed had risked his whole career in staying by Harry’s side but that didn’t seem to even cross his mind. Not when he sat for by his side in hospital for a week (missing tour dates and interviews) waiting for Harry to wake up and recover nor when he was there without fail for Harry’s AA meetings in Holmes Chapel- even though it meant driving back and forth from London. To say he would be dead without him would be anything of an understatement.

                Once outside, the two walked along for a moment in silence enjoying the first relatively warm evening of the year.

“Do you need to phone your sponsor mate?”

“Nah done it already on the way back. Just told me to ring him again tomorrow. You didn’t drive up here because my mum rang did you? I know you’ve almost got your album finished and..”

“No I was already on my way up here anyway..”

Harry stopped and stared at Ed.  
“Edward.”

“Harold. Ok so she may have rung saying she was worried.”

“God what am I going to with her? She worries too much.”

“She’s your mum mate- I’d be worried if she didn’t worry about you. I was going to come up tomorrow anyway. Finally finished the album and thought I’d give you the first play through.”

“That’s great! Don’t I feel all special getting this sneak preview.”

“You should- people pay for my crap you know?”  
“Do they? I hope you provide them with a refund.”

Ed shoved Harry playfully onto the road but Harry just laughed and gently pushed him back.

“You know I’m only messing with you mate. I’m sure it’s bloody amazing.”

“It’s alright I suppose. There’s this song on there though.”

“Yeah?”

“And it’s kind of about you and I just wanted you to hear it and you can say if you don’t want it on there and I’ll totally understand.”

“Hey mate slow down it’s fine. I’m kinda honoured actually. Is it obvious?”

“Well the songs just called ‘H’ soo..”

“Genius mate.”

“I’ll have you know my other title ‘ignorant prick’ is sounding rather appealing right now!”

“Now that would have to be a song about yourself. Seriously though Ed, I’m sure the song is great and maybe the others listening to it might actually make them call me back.”

“Still no word?”

“Nah. Shouldn’t really expect anything different though.”

Ed watched as a sad smile passed over Harry’s face. Sometimes when they were together, Harry would just faze out of their conversation and this melancholy look would settle in his eyes. Eyes that used to show the brightness of youth had aged in a way that no one’s should. In those moments, he knew Harry would run over that night in his head over and over again. He knew from the nights when he had stayed at Harry’s and he had heard his strangled yells calling out for Louis. And every one of those nights he would join Harry in his bed, wrap his arms around the too skinny body and not let go until the shakes of sobs and withdrawal finished. At some moments, he honestly thought that he would wake up to find the body in his arms still from any life and those nights he held on a little closer. Harry may not remember the days that Ed would literally have to spoon feed him cereal just to make sure he ate or stand in front of the door , ignoring the heart breaking tears and punches as Harry tried to get to a dealer, but Ed did.  He had seen the side of the break- down of One Direction no one else wanted to think about. Sure he knew Harry had truly fucked up his relationship, but those things were hard to remember when you walked into a bathroom with a lifeless body in a bath of reddening water. Harry needed protecting and he be damned if he let his friend slip away.

“It’s been almost two years though.”

“Yeah but I let them all down and big time. And for all they know I’ve spent that time partying it up in different countries blowing money on fancy hotels and booze.”

“Harry you know you have got to forgive yourself if you’re ever going to get anywhere.”

“Yeah yeah I know but it’s easier said than done. Some things aren’t that easy to forgive yourself.”

“Are you sure moving back to London is a good idea?”

“Oh god don’t you start. I mentioned that I’ve been thinking of moving back and mum almost had a mini break down.  I need to do it for myself if anything and as much as I love being at home and this village, I need to prove that I can cope on my own again. Plus the papers have finally lost interest in me, so it just seems like the perfect time.”

“I understand man. It’ll be nicer to have you a little closer as well. Although I think my car will miss its journeys up here. “

“I’m sure you’ll be driving me back up here don’t you worry.”

“I should make you get the train for that comment.”

Harry smiled confidently.

“You wouldn’t. You’re too much of a softie.”

“Too bloody soft for my own good. I almost don’t feel like telling you that my mate said you could have that position in his salon after that.”

They stopped walking once again as Harry turned to Ed in excitement.

“He did?”

“Yeah. You’d have to start from the bottom though and do all the training. The pays a bit crap but..”

“I really couldn’t care less about the pay. Seriously Ed thank you so much.”

Ed shrugged- almost slightly embarrassed.

“Don’t mention it- as long as you don’t think you’ll be getting any practise on my hair.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good. Now what’s the deal with this monopoly game?”

Harry casually laid his arm around Ed’s shoulder as they continued their walk into the village centre.

“Mate you have no idea.”

**END OF PART B**


	12. Insert Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry this chapter was meant to be after Chapter 11!! Hopefully will update properly soon :D

Pacing back and forth, Ed began to doubt if what he had done was the right thing. Liam was going to ask questions – questions he didn’t know if he could or wanted to answer. So what if he was protective of Harry – having seen everything he’s been through he couldn’t care what anyone else thought. Ed tried to calm himself; at least he was meeting with Liam, arguably the most rational member of one direction.  Sod it- there was nothing rational about this situation. Meeting with the ex best friend of a best friend who you saved from killing themselves sounded more like a dodgy soap plot than reality . Ed sank back onto the sofa.  
  
“Fuck.”  
  
This was his reality. He could do this. If anything it would be a good warm up for the interview he had with Nick Grimshaw next week.  Nick was a good guy as was Liam. Harry had always somewhat idolised Nick- something Ed remembers fondly would always wind Louis up. Sure Louis and Nick had got on but it was always noticeable that if Louis, Nick and Harry were in the room together, Louis would always be touching Harry. As if to say – he’s mine back off.  Ed and Harry both understood why Nick couldn’t keep in touch. For Nick his whole career relied on him being involved with the right people and the BBC certainly would not approve of being associated with a washed up pop star. Harry still listened every morning – Ed would walk into the kitchen if he was staying with Harry and find him chuckling to along to Nick’s breakfast show. He guessed in some way it was like a comfort blanket- with everything else around him falling to pieces Nick’s outlandish jokes remained the same. Perhaps his interview would Nick would be the first step to Harry and him meeting again.  
  
His thoughts were interrupted by a timid knock at his front door. This was really happening.  
  
 ~~X xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx X~~  
  
 Harry self consciously tugged his beanie a little further over his curls repeating Ed’s mantra to himself over and over again.  
  
You can do this. You deserve to be here. You can do this.  
  
He allowed himself one more deep breath before pulling open the door to the Notting Hill hair salon. Immediately he was hit by the smell of hair spray and expensive shampoos ,the sound of soft rock gently playing from the speakers . Looking around him he was glad Ed had persuaded him to put on some of his old higher end clothes seeing as from what he could see every other person had an all saints label splashed across them. Having said that wearing skinny jeans after having lived in trackies for so long was not helping him feel at ease.  
  
You can do this. You deserve to be here. You can do this.  
  
Pulling his shoulders up he strode with fake confidence towards the front desk.  
  
“Excuse me , um my name is Harry – today is first day of training.”  
  
A highly manicured women in her late twenties looked up at him with a disdainful glance. She had a tad too much make up on – hiding what would be a naturally pretty face.  
  
“Yeah – and what would do you want me to do about that?”  
  
Her reaction almost made Harry laugh. Four years ago- one look at him and girls or boys would practically faint on to him and now people couldn’t give a shit. It was quite refreshing. He tossed her a lopsided grin whilst scratching absent mindly at his hat, watching as she visibly relaxed. The ‘Styles Charm’ ,as his mum called it,  still worked it seemed.  Harry watched as a flash of recognition crossed her face and she relaxed even further. Strange, he thought, when most people recognised him now they would recoil or simply avoid any eye contact. He watched as she typed something onto the reception Mac before once again looking up at him- this time a genuine smile crossing her face.  
  
“I’m Sophie, it’s nice to meet you. Let me just lead you through to the staff room where some one will come and meet you.”  
  
Nice to meet you. Now that was something he definitely hadn’t heard in a while. Something seemed off- it was almost as if Sophie had knew someone who knew him.  
“Thanks- its nice to meet you too.”  
  
As the pair walked towards the back room, Harry felt eyes against his back watching his every move. He turned his head round , watching as eyes flashed quickly back to their customers and the noise level of conversation rise noticeably.  Great he thought- this was going to be a barrel of laughs.  
  
They finally reached the door of the staff room Sophie opening the door for him gesturing for him to enter.  He glanced around the well furnished room – admiring some impressive modern art on the wall. The owner of this salon obviously took pride in the appearance of the shop.  The picture reminded him of one he used to have up in him and Louis’ flat. Louis’ had teased him about it being pretentious but the mad dashes of colour provided Harry with a comfort that he wasn’t the only person in the world that’s life seemed like a whirlwind.  
  
“Can I get you a drink while you wait?”  
  
“No thanks.”  
  
Sophie nodded and smiled again before gesturing to the sofas.  
  
“Take a seat- the manager will be with you shortly.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Harry wondered over to the sofa , pulling out his phone as he sat.  He chuckled at the photo of Ed and his sister pulling a stupid faces that Ed had set as his background. Disturbed by the sound of the door opening, Harry leapt to his feet determined to make a good impression on his new boss.  
  
A short, slight women with white blonde hair with purple tips entered the room and Harry froze.  
  
“Harry”  
  
The women breathed out his name – almost in disbelief that he was actually standing there.  
  
Not knowing what to do Harry just stood there – his mind running at a hundred miles an hour. He wondered how Ed had persuaded his ‘friends’ to give him the job and now it all made sense.  
  
Sensing his unease , she took 3 long strides across the room and stretched her hand up to his face.  
  
“Oh hun it’s so good to see you standing here.”  
  
Harry crumpled into her touch before wrapping his arms around her squeezing her close to him. He felt her squeeze equally hard back as her hands ran up and down his body feeling every protruding bone.  
  
“Lou I’m so….”  
  
“Don’t say anything.”  
  
“But…”  
  
“You’re alive and that’s all I care about. The past is the past. Oh God Harry I never thought I’d see you again.”  
  
Harry’s heart broke as he heard Lou’s voice crack. Two watery pairs of eyes met before Lou’s hand once again reached out to grab Harry’s face.  
  
“Don’t ever do that again you hear me. You have too much potential to throw away. “  
  
Harry simply nodded – still slightly stunned.  
  
“You’re all skin and bones as well- have you not been eating. Has Ed not been looking after you. I could strangle you and him right thi…”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Lou silenced at Harry’s interruption, looking up at him questioningly.  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“For this job and for not hating me . I’m so..”  
  
Lou put a finger to his lips.  
  
“No need for apologies. All I want is for you to make a new life for yourself.”  
  
Harry squeezed her back to his chest that bit tighter than before as his phone buzzed in his pocket.  
  
Lou stood back – quickly wiping her eyes.  
  
“Right first let me introduce you to the team. Then we can get you started.”  
  
Harry turned off his phone before checking the message, following after Lou,  
wiping at his own eyes. Lou turned to him a twinkle in her eye.  
  
“Now – I trust you can still make a proper cupper?”  
  
“Yeah – why?”  
  
“Welcome to your life for the next few weeks!”


	13. 11

“Louis you know this pesto went out of date 3 weeks ago?”

Liam peered round the fridge door, the jar in question held at arms length. Louis looked up questioningly from the paper he was intensely staring at.

“Doesn’t matter though right – cus pesto is meant to be green isn’t it?”

Liam sighed and hit his head on the fridge door.

“Not when it’s RED pesto! Dear lord your going to kill yourself one day Lou.”

Louis shrugged absentmindedly whilst a familiar smirk crossed his features.

“That’s why I keep you round mate.”

Liam couldn’t stop the chuckle that erupted fro him no matter how much he despaired- this was the Louis he loved. He hadn’t been him for a while – well 2 years. The old laughing , joking Louis had been a distant memory – one him and the boys were afraid would never come back. Giving up on finding anything stared edible in the fridge , Liam went and joined Louis at he table.

Sitting down he stared across at the feathered fringe now covering the ocean blue eyes as Louis returned to the article he had been reading. God all he wated to do was run his hands through it; sweep it back and get lost in the eyes that had captured his heart years ago. Sensing Liam’s gaze , Louis glanced up at him. Even after stepping of a twelve hour flight, dark bags evident and stubble that was a little too overgrown to look stylish- Louis was still the most handsome person Liam had ever met. How ever much he wanted not to, Liam couldn’t stop his eyes lingering on the almost completely healed scar on Louis’ face. As Liam’s eyes brushed over it , Louis self consciously scrubbed his hand over it.

“The make up artist said you can’t even notice it anymore.”

Liam smiled sadly- a permanent reminder. Whenever he looked it was still the bleeding red mark that Louis walked in with all those years ago.

“Yeah – that’s good mate- just back to your old ugly face then”

Louis rolled his eyes affectionately which was followed by a wide yawn.

“Go to bed if you want Lou. I can go and come back later.”

Shaking his head, Louis pushed the newspaper from out under him and instead grabbed the steaming tea mug.

“Nah, got to beat this jet lag bitch once and for all. Anyway want to see your pretty face I’ve been missing all the way from LA.”

“Bradley Cooper not good enough for you?”  
“Not even Ryan Gosling can compete with you Payno.”

Liam leaned back and laughed.

“Wow I’m truly honoured.”

Winking as he relaxed into chair, clutching his tea to his chest.

“You should be.”

A comfortable moment of silence passed between them.

“When’s this one due out then? So I can practise my fan girling?”

“End of the year they think- you’re not on tour are you?”

Liam racked his brain trying to remember.

“No I don’t think so- they said something about next January.”

A smug smile crossed Louis’ face.

“Good I’ve got you all to myself then.”

“Ya greedy bastard.”

Allowing himself a sip of tea before leaning forward, Louis pushed the newspaper across to Liam.

“Have your read this yet?”

“No I bought it on the way here- why?”

There was a moment of silence before Louis replied.

“Ed’s finally releasing his new album.”

“Oh.”

At that Liam looked down at the article immediately noticing the goofy smile accompanying a one on one interview.

Interviewer: It’s been over 4 years since your last album – any reason for the long break?  
ED: I didn’t want to rush it and bring out something that didn’t mean something to me. Also, sometimes other things need to take the front seat and unfortunately this album had to wait. The most important things in life are those closest to you and I would never forgive myself if I let someone I love suffer.  
Interviewer: Would it be possible that this certain someone is a Mr Harry Styles- could that possibly be the meaning behind the track ‘H’?  
ED : What I do in personal life will always remain private. I write songs about experiences that I’ve had that I hope people can connect their own emotions to. So it really doesn’t matter who I wrote any of my songs about.  
Interviewer: Do you not feel guilty hanging out with someone who has caused other friends so much pain?   
ED: As I’ve said before my private life remains mine. But let me just say it sounds cliché but he grass always seems greener from the other side and it’s easy to judge a situation that your not involved in. People will always make their own judgements but unless your in the position yourself then I don’t care.  
Interviewer: So what can we expect from the album?

Liam finished reading and looked up at Louis.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Louis shrugged half heartedly.

“ Nothing to talk about really is there. Ed did what he had to do I guess.”

“I can ring him if you want me too.”

“And say what?”

Liam sighed “I don’t know.”

For a brief moment , a familiar sadness washed over Louis’ features before a voice laced with so much vulnerability echoed in the kitchen.

“It’ll get easier wont it Liam? All of this?”

Liam didn’t know what to say- he could lie and say that Louis would soon feel like nothing had ever happened.

“I hope so.”

A half smile crossed Louis’ face.

“You know what will make it better though now?”

“What’s that Lou?”

“A fish finger sandwich.”

Shaking his head, Liam laughed.

“I love you mate.”  
“I know – where would you be with out me.”

Liam’s heart twinged – if only Louis did know.

“And I suppose you want me to drive and get some?”

Louis fluttered his eyelashes at Liam.

“Well I have just got off a plane….”

Sighing in mock annoyance, Liam collected his coat from the back of his chair checking the car keys were still in the pocket.

“Fine –you’re luck I missed you!”

“Thanks Payno!”

Liam started walking out the door and Louis took a moment to admire his friends silhouette. He noticed a new tattoo on the left shoulder blade which was possibly even more toned than before he left. He couldn’t stop his eyes glancing down Liam’s body. He had missed Liam more than he thought possible during the last film. Sure he missed his family and the other boys but it was always Liam’s deep brown eyes that were the last thought on his mind instead of the startling green ones that had haunted him for the past few years.

“Hey Liam!”

Louis surprised himself as he yelled out to Liam’s retreating back. Liam turned and Louis swallowed deeply.

“Tomorrow do you after I’ve slept – do you wanna maybe go to a movie and have some dinner or something?”

“Yeah sure Louis sounds great – do you want me to ring the others?”

“Ummm. … no ..um just us two?”

A moment of silence passed and Louis panicked.

“But the others can come to if you want?”

Louis watched as a surprised but huge grin spread accompanied by a slight flush over Liam’s face.

“No the two of us sounds great- I’d love to.”

Louis felt himself physically relax.

“Great. I’ll book something whilst you’re out.”  
Liam nodded in return before once again turning towards the door. Once he was in the hallway and out of the sight of the Louis, he let himself lean against the wall and the smile fully spread whilst what just happened suck in. In the moment that followed Liam grabbed his mobile from his jean pocket. Entering a name hadn’t used in a while, he tapped out a hurried message.

RECIPIENT: ED SHEERAN

We need to talk. Liam

Before he could change his mind he pressed send and was surprised as he excited the front door that his phone buzzed in reply.

SENDER: ED Sheeran

Sounds a good idea. My place- in 10?

Glancing around him as if he expected someone was going to be leaning over his shoulder, Liam nodded to himself.

RECIPIENT: ED SHEERAN

I’ll be there. Thanks mate.

Liam walked quickly over to his car before getting into the front seat- phone still clutched in his right hand. His next move surprised even himself as he opened a new message. Three years had passed since he had last typed that name into his phone. Three years where he hadn’t known what to say or known what to write that wouldn’t be a string of expletives.

RECIPIENT: HARRY STYLES

Look after yourself. Liam.

Dropping his phone into the coffee holder, Liam let out a shaky sigh before readying himself for the meeting ahead of him.


	14. 12a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of suicide.

Liam waited anxiously at the door that he hadn’t stood in front of for some time. Rocking back and forth on in heels, he wondered if it was to late to do a quick dash before the door opened. No- this needed to happen – he needed some closure. Some answers.  The door swung open in front of him and Ed’s familiar round face greeted him with a nervous smile.

 

“Liam it’s good to see you mate.”

 

“Um yeah you too.”

 

Ed stood back from the door and gestured awkwardly for Liam to come inside. As Liam stepped inside it was fairly comforting to see that not much had changed since he last came – the place was still a mess. Mugs lay scattered around the main living room area sitting on top of haphazardly placed sheet music. Liam also fondly noted the guitar Ed had had for years sprawled across one of the sofas.

 

Liam entered automatically wiping his feet on the doormat – even though he was it was there for purely decorative purposes as for what he could remember Ed had never been one for tidiness. Ed asking if he wanted a drink interrupted his thoughts.

 

“No I’m alright thanks.”

 

Ed nodded slowly.

 

“Make yourself at home. I’m just going to grab a water. “

 

Watching as Liam sat down cautiously on a nearby sofa, Ed turned and wandered into the kitchen. It was weird to see Liam in the flesh compared to the image on tv and billboards he had been used to. Just in a brief moment he could see the stress line and tired features that the photos failed to show. The Liam in his living room was definitely not the one he last saw four years ago. Shove the water Ed needed a beer. Opening the fridge, Ed cursed as remembered that he didn’t have in- Harry was staying over. Fuck. A coke would have to suffice. Maybe the sugar and caffeine rush would make up for the lack of alcohol. 

 

Liam watched as Ed took a swig out of a can of Coke as he returned and sat on the sofa across from him, shoving sheets of music onto the floor with his free hand.

 

“So how’ve you been?”

 

Ed shrugged.

 

“Not too bad. Busy with the album – bet you know how that feels though mate. Last one was pretty ace- we had it on repeat for several days.”

 

Ed cursed himself- Liam did not need to know about Harry’s dedication to following their work

 

Liam blushed. Despite all the good reviews, he still found it weird when people complimented his work.

 

“Thanks.’

 

It was only then Liam noticed the ‘we’ part of Ed’s sentence and was reminded about why he was really here.

 

An awkward silence fell over the two of them.

 

“He’s ok now- getting there anyway.”

 

A weight Liam didn’t know he was carrying felt to fall away. Sure he was angry and couldn’t forgive Harry for what he did but there would always be a part of him that would worry for the youngest member on One Direction.

 

“What do you mean now?”

 

Ed took another swig of coke and wished again that it were something stronger. He felt his body tense – nobody should now about what Harry had been through. By some miracle, Harry was still alive and they had managed to keep it from the press. He could still remember Anne’s determined phone call in Harry’s old flat as she rang Simon. Ed was glad he wasn’t on the end of the phone. There wasn’t anyone more protective of Harry than his mum and she didn’t stop until Simon promised a complete block on any publishing in articles on Harry’s state. Ed had been convinced that it wouldn’t work- some money grabbing journalist would ignore the block but they hadn’t.  He was glad though. No one should ever witness what he had those evenings. Some things never leave you. He still said a silent prayer every time he saw Harry breathing and he would be damned if anyone was going to ruin that.

 

“I don’t think it’s my posi…”

 

“Oh come on Ed. ”

 

Liam wasn’t leaving with answers.

 

“Do you really want to know though Liam? ”

 

“Yeah I do. It can’t be any way near as bad as I what we’ve had to help Louis through.”

 

Ed couldn’t help himself as anger began to bubble up inside him. He knew what Harry did was wrong but he wasn’t let him be walked over.

 

Liam watched in surprise as a flash of what could be described as anger passed through Ed’s eyes.

 

“Oh you have no idea! None of you do- not one of you even bothered in checking did you!”

 

This time it was Liam’s turn to get angry- nothing bought out his protective streak like Louis.

 

“Are you surprised after what Harry put Louis through?! He ruined everything we had worked for.  He threw everything away!”

 

“And you don’t think he knows that.  Don’t think it kills him everyday?! Kills him so much that he almost killed himself!”

 

Shit.

 

Well done – Ed thought to himself.

 

He watched as Liam turned visibly white- mouth open ready to speak – before clamping it shut.

 

Harry had what? Liam put his head into hands, his mind flashing back to the fresh- faced green eyed boy he’d met at boot camp.

 

Not once had he considered what might have happened to Harry – too wrapped up in protecting what was breaking in front of him. In saving the person who had their life torn to shreds in the briefest of instants. He had ignored the emails, the phone calls and the texts- deleting them before he even read a word.

 

“When? “

 

Ed paused. He had already said too much. But he couldn’t take it back now. He couldn’t just leave it there.

 

“About 3 months after that night. “

 

“How?”

 

And the image was back again. Ed sunk back into the sofa squeezing his eyes shut, massaging the lids hoping that it would take it away.

 

“I can’t do this Liam. “

 

End of Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Any comments would be greatly appreciated :D x


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to so much to everyone who has read or commented so far - it means a lot :D Hope you enjoy ht e next part :D

 Watching Ed , Liam felt the guilt build up inside him at what he was making Ed relive.  Sure, they had had there dark days with Louis – but every time time they had seen him he had been very much physically alive. Liam couldn’t even begin to imagine what he would have done had he found Louis.

 

“Listen Ed, I’m sorry…”

 

Shaken out of his thoughts by Liam’s voice, Ed looked up to see Liam’s face ridden with guilt.

 

“It’s alright- we’re both just protecting our friends.”

 

“I know. I’m just so been so wrapped up in protecting Louis that I’d forgotten….”

 

“Listen Liam anger makes us to do stupid things. I think we can both agree that there is nothing rational about this situation.”

 

Liam nodded before allowing silence to spread over them again giving time for Ed to finish his drink and place the can on the floor. Ed could tell Liam was itching to find out what had happened and although he wasn’t quite ready for that conversation just yet , he knew that Liam wouldn’t leave until he a had satisfactory understanding.

 

“Look I know this is probably out of line of me to ask but how bad did it get?”

 

He let out a deep sigh- how was he going to word this one.

 

“I can only well imagine what you went through with Louis and I’m so pleased to see him doing well with all his movies and shit. But I’m not going to lie to you Liam it was bad. And I mean really bad. I mean there were days I didn’t know what I’d walk into the flat to find. Everyday I would literally pray every time I entered the flat to find him still there. Still breathing. Don’t get me wrong I was angry. Angry at him for what he’d done to you guys- to Louis. But after I saw the mess that was left of him when I went over- I couldn’t hold it.  He.. he”

 

Liam felt the lump in his throat rise as Ed’s voice hitched as he noticeably swallowed back tears.

 

“Ed you don’t’ have to say anything else…”

 

He shook his head- he needed to get this out. For four years he had kept to himself- not wanting to put Harry or his family through anymore than they already had.  His own family had urged to see someone but he wasn’t going to risk anything getting out about what had happened. At least he knew with Liam that it wouldn’t leave this room.

 

“ No it’s ok. “

 

Ed cleared his throat before continuing.

“He wasn’t Harry. It was like being with the ghost of a person. And God we almost lost him. There were days when I didn’t know what I would find when I came back. “

 

Liam watched as a few tears fell down Ed’s face and was shore there were a few running down his as well.

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He could still remember the grey face that had open the door to him; bloodshot eyes engulfed by dark bags, lips cracked and bruises covering his visible arm and hand.  As he had walked into the flat he had felt a chill spread over. Smashed plates and glasses littered the floor, empty wine and Smirnoff bottles adorning every possible surface. The worst thing though was what was on the walls. Every headline had been cut out and stuck to the wall creating a sea of damning words.  Ed went to take them down but his hand had been ripped away by Harry.

 

“Don’t I deserve every word.”

 

It was all Ed could do but follow Harry deeper into the flat where he was hit by a wretch- inducing odour of urine mixed with alcohol.  Harry had turned to him with dull eyes-

 

“Anything you want to say to me I’ve already told myself a million times so why don’t you just leave now.”

 

There was no expression in Harry’s voice.  

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Your choice.”

 

With that Harry, turned away and went to sit on the floor by the window- tucking his knees up to his chest.

 

Ed stood there not knowing what to. If he left now he knew deep down the next time he saw Harry’s name would be in an obituary. 

 

“Harry I…”

 

No response. All Harry did was turn his face away from Ed to look out of the window.

 

“Fine. But I’m going to sit here till you talk to me.”

 

Ed wasn’t surprised when he didn’t get response. Although the floor looked like you could probably catch a disease from it, Ed sat himself down next to Harry .  He noticed a Harry flinch a little but that was the only reaction he got. All he wanted to do was wrap Harry in his arms and drag him out of there but he would have to wait this out. 

 

As time passed he began to feel his legs go numb. He shifted his legs looking over to Harry as he did. It was then he noticed it. Harry was shaking. His arms were twitching and his fingers were scratching vigorously against his leg.

 

 

Shit. Ed had seen this before with one of his friends. Harry was withdrawing and badly. Reaching out tentatively to stop Harry scratching, he was surprised to find Harry’s hand gripping on to his.

 

“How do I stop this Ed? It wont stop.”

 

It was all Ed could do to not burst into tears at the broken tone of Harry’s voice.

 

“Oh Haz. “

 

He opened his arms and watched as Harry shuffled into them. Ed pulled Harry close to his chest as tight as he possibly could and felt the shakes pass through to his own body. Except now the shakes were joined by rocking, as sobs ripped there way through his body. He tucked Harry closer to him rubbing his hands up and down the fragile skin of Harry’s arms.

 

“We are going to get through this Haz. You’re going to be ok. I promise”

 

And that was a promise Ed planned on keeping- even if it killed him.

 

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

Lou let Harry spend the first couple of hours before lunch observing the salon through shadowing her work and making the occassional cup of tea.  It was nice to see Lou in her element with the customer’s young and old helping them create a whole new them with just the simple change in hair style. He was grateful to Lou for allowing him observe Sarah manning reception whenever she had a fairly young customer – noting Harry’s tension and concern over being recognised. Harry noticed Lou laughing though when ever he would make a drink for one of her middle aged female customers and receive a fairly flustered thank you in response to his winning grin. Despite his best interests it was hard not to ignore the stares from the other workers. He could tell they all itching to say something and he could well and truly guess what their lunch time conversation would be.

 

Lou called him over with the wave of her hand as she was finishing her last customer who was busy chatting away but the latest episode of Corrie.  Better start watching these things he thought – otherwise he would have nothing to say when he finally got to working with customers. Excusing her self from the lady Lou stepped back and turned towards Harry.

 

“Do you want to ring that place we used to go to and see if they have a space for lunch? Number should be on the front desk. I’ll be done in 15.”

 

Harry could remember the place well- they served the best noodle dishes in London. It had always been his and Lou’s meeting place in Notting Hill whenever they had time off as rhye could guarantee they wouldn’t be disturbed due to the exclusive nature of place. Unfortunately the exclusivity came with a price tag. One he didn’t know if he could afford anymore on top of the rent of his new flat.

 

“Umm that would be great but I don’t think I can afford…”

 

Lou cut him off with a simple shake of her head.

 

“H it’s on me.”

 

“But.”

 

“No but’s. I haven’t seen you for four years- I am buying you lunch.  And you Mr are disappearing on me.” Lou poked at Harry’s slender frame. “ I’ll be having words with you later.”

 

Harry nodded in partial fear of the small northern lady before giving her a tight hug.

 

“Thanks Lou.”

 

Lou pulled back squeezing at Harry’s arms.

 

“It’s my pleasure hun. Now ring before there all booked up. I’m craving me some Pad Thai.”

Harry waited patiently as Lou locked up the door of the salon. The weather had chilled since this morning and he regretted not bringing a coat. He rubbed his hands together absent- mindedly and pulled his beanie over his ears.  Lou turned and looked at him despairingly.

 

“Do you not watch a weather forecast?”

 

“It was sunny thins morning.”

 

She sighed and rolled her eyes before hooking his arm into hers dragging them off in the direction of the restaurant.

 

They walked the five-minute journey in silence concentrating on getting into the war rather than talking. Harry was glad as it gave him time to gather his thoughts for any upcoming questions. Also the streets were fairly busy due to it being lunchtime and he would rather their conversation wasn’t at risk of being over heard.  He felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him as they approached the familiar door and was pleased to see when they entered that even after all this time it hadn’t changed a bit. Tables were dotted all around the room hidden in nooks and crannies to provide privacy for each of the guests. The chairs were large and padded- almost like mini sofas – with large throw like cushions placed jauntily on each one. Lou waved at a nearby waiter who smiled warmly at her in familiarity. Harry didn’t recognise him- he must be a recent addition. He stood awkwardly behind Lou as the he walked over and gave her a quick hug before walking them to the back of the restraint.

 

“How’s Lux’s new school getting on?”

 

“Really well thanks Tom- she’s already made some new friends.”

 

“That’s good. You’ll have to bring her in again – we all love seeing her!”

 

“Will do- se loves you guys too!”

 

Tom seemed pleased and smiled again. He was a nice looking guy around Harry’s age with warm auburn hair and dark blue eyes.

 

“Anyway- here you go. Someone will be over in a minute to take your orders. It was nice to see you again Lou. And nice to meet you. Um?”

 

Harry watched in shock as Tom thrust him hand out towards him, although glad that he didn’t think he was Lou’s stalker. He shook Tom’s hand- impressed by the strong hand shake and the kind smile he received.

 

“Harry. It’s Harry.”

 

“Well nice to meet you Harry.”

 

Tom walked away from the table leaving Lou and Harry to settle into their table.

“How is Lux? I bet she’s a real heart breaker already.”

 

Lou dug around in her bag bringing out her phone – pressing a button before handing it over to Harry.

 

“I think she’s on her fifth boyfriend already this term!”

 

Harry laughed.

 

“I taught her well.”

 

He looked down at the phone taking in the adorable photo of 7 year old Lux looking absolutely adorable in her school uniform beaming up at the camera.

 

“She’s beautiful Lou- just like her mother.”

 

Lou laughed taking back the phone.

 

“Oh H ever the charmer.”

 

After replacing her phone back into the bag, Lou stared back up at Harry as he took off his beanie. She smiled as familiar dark brown curls fell onto Harry’s face and she felt a wave of emotion come over as she transported back to the face of the young boy who used to sit in front of her in this very restaurant. Lou grasped out for Harry’s hand and squeezed his fingers tightly.

 

“I can’t believe your sitting here in front on me.”

 

Harry tilted his head , letting his hair flop over his face watching as Lou’s eyes filled with tears.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

“Harry I’ve told you there’s no need for apologies – Im just so happy to see you alive. After everything…”

 

Lou’s voice cracked and Harry leaned further forward.

 

“Lou..”

 

She fiercely wiped at her eyes.

 

“No I’m ok.  It’s just after everything that was published and watching Ed. God Harry I thought I was never going to see you again. Everyday I was so grateful to not see your name flashed across a tabloid about being found dead.  So when Ed mentioned you were looking for work I jumped at the chance.”

 

It was Harry’s turn to wipe at his eyes.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“What for darling?”

 

“For not giving up on me.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To say Im shit at updating would be an understatement haha! I hope anyone still left reading enjoys this chapter and now I'm off for a couple of weeks can expect more updates soon!! I greatly appreciate any comments or thoughts on the story :D Enjoy! xx

Harry rubbed absent -mindedly at the slight scars on arms as they waited for their food to arrive. Despite his best attempts, Lou had insisted that she would be paying so he could pick what ever he wanted from the menu. Inwardly he slightly relieved as he had perused the menu- the prices where causing him a slight headache and the realisation that lunch would wipe out his food budget he had planned carefully with his mum before she would consider letting him move out, for at least 3 days. The rubbing stopped as he noticed Lou staring but luckily any awkward questions were halted by the arrival of their food carried over in steaming dishes by the waiter who had greeted them earlier. He smiled warmly at them before scurrying away to greet someone who had just walked through the door.

 

“I expect you to finish that Mr, you are too bloody skinny.”

 

Harry smiled over at Lou.

 

“You sound just like my Mum.”

 

Lou crossed her arms across he chest but her voice reflected her concern.

 

‘Good. I wont have you working in my store if I don’t think you are healthy enough.”

 

Harry reached across and squeezed Lou’s hand, before rubbing the chopsticks between his fingers.

 

“When did you start the salon? It looks incredible by the way!”

 

A proud smile crossed Lous face.

 

“About 2 years ago now. I needed something that would allow me to stay in one place for Lux and it was something I’d always wanted to do. It took a while to get it to where I wanted it but lots of people were really supportive and managed to get me a bit of a buzz going. It great – I thought I wouldn’t get the personal bound that I did when I travelled around with you guys but I have my regulars which I see every month and your sister always comes and visits me. “

 

Harry frowned.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t know anything about it. No one told me. I…”

 

“Harry it’s fine – you had a few other things to deal with. We all just wanted to protect you. And if it makes you feel any better none of the others have been to visit either- apart from Niall once.”

 

“I’m sorry about….”

 

“Will you stop apologising?! It was their choice not to come. Everyone deals with things in different ways. Now dig in before your food goes cold!”

He wanted to object but the rumble of his stomach forced him to concentrate on his lunch instead. As he ate one mouthful, a satisfied sigh escaped before he could stop it.

 

Lou laughed as she twirled a noodle round her chopstick.

 

“Enjoying that?”

 

Harry gave her a quick wink before continuing. A comfortable silence fell over the two before Harry finished eating and lay back in his chair.

 

“God that was good! Forgot how much I loved this place.”

 

He watched as Lou paused, opened her mouth to say something and then decided against it.

 

“What were you going to say?”

 

“Nothing … it’s just… well. I don’t want to pry or anything but I saw your face when you were reading the price list and I know you never used to really look and …”

 

“You were wondering where all my money went?”

 

Lou looked torn as to what to say.

 

“Well yeah but don’t worry I shouldn’t be prying”

 

“No its fine. It’s gone – well most of it has. Paying off the rent of the old flat; paying my out of my record contract; rehab; lawyers. It’s weird how I used to not even bat an eyelid and now I’m permanently comparing where I can get things cheaper. It was fine when I was living back home as Mum and Robin never let me pay for anything but I couldn’t keep living like that – they’ve done too much for me as it is. Gem always jokes that I’m having the student experience back wards. It’s kinda invigorating though – I actually appreciate things a little more.”

 

“Harry I swear sometimes there is like some wise middle aged man stuck inside of you.”

 

He laughed.

 

“Well I did always have the older women vote.”

 

 

As time went on at the salon, Lou watched as the old Harry she remembered began to return. She watched on as Harry charmed his way into her customer’s hearts, the honest and breath taking smile graced his face more often and he spent less time looking distant and trapped. There were still moments she would catch him looking over customers shoulders at magazine articles and a flash of pain would cross his eyes.  Or a song would come on the radio and hand would shake slightly as he passed over a cup of tea. Nothing obvious if you weren’t looking for it -but enough for Lou to notice. Almost everyday Lou would have lunch with Harry at a local café- each time refusing to let him pay- enjoying his company and people watching together. During his time in One Direction, not many people got to appreciate how intelligent and quick -witted Harry was and it was nice to see that after everything he was still the same boy. Occasionally, Gemma and Ed would join them and Harry would light up even more. Lou would watch how Gemma’s face would gleam with pride whenever Harry cracked a joke or smiled. Lou couldn’t even begin to imagine what the Styles family had been through. There were days when Gemma would arrive to visit – her face the picture of stress and exhaustion. Her eyes slightly red surrounded by black bags. Lou never snooped always waiting for Gemma to say what she wanted. It was heart breaking to watch a family she loved dearly fall apart. She knew how close Gemma and Harry were and had seen how much Gemma had beaten herself up for not spotting the signs. But none of them had. None of them would make that mistake again.

 

That’s why as Lou watched the interview play out in front of her on the TV; she felt every nerve in her on edge. For Harry but also for his family. Harry was stable now but every time Louis opened his mouth there was the risk he might say something. Something that would mean loosing Harry forever.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time Ed and Liam and more of the interview :D xx


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the chapter :D xx

“Now it would be an understatement to say you are a busy guy. How do you keep up with it all?”

 

Louis leaned forward and gave a slight chuckle.

 

“Truth is – you don’t. If I stopped and tried to keep track of what I was doing I wouldn’t be able to keep going. That’s something being in One Direction did teach- take everyday as it is – live each day at a time. I get do some incredible things – I couldn’t be more grateful for the life I have and for the people I have in my life. I get to wake and do things I’ve always wanted and provide for the people in my life and if that means that my feet don’t touch the ground then so be it.”

 

“What bit do you think you enjoy the most?”

 

“I love every bit but – if I had to pick? Probably doing the chat show. Doing the movies is amazing don’t get me wrong but I can be away from home for months at a time and as much as I love travelling I’m a bit of a home bird me. Also I get to have a laugh with people – some of whom I’ve known for years.”

 

“You mention you’re a ‘home bird’ – what is home for you at the moment?”

 

Louis had a niggle of where the twat interviewer was trying to aim.

 

“I’m not going to giver out my postcode if that’s what you think. “

 

The audience laughed and the interviewer forced a toothy grin.

 

“No of course not- you know what I mean though.”

 

“Yeah , yeah of course mate. London for the most part- I spent most of my late teens and early twenties here. There’s always something to do and people to meet- plus I’m never fine from one of my boys.”

 

“You couldn’t escape us if you tried!”

 

Niall’s shout sent a wave of laughter through the audience and Louis shook his head in fake exasperation.

 

“I never doubt that! But I do have a little escape somewhere and that place is really special to me – gives me time to put things in prospective and just breathe.

 

Liam thought of the long weekend escapes in the Yorkshire countryside- just him and Louis. Endless PlayStation matches and sitting on the patio writing songs and just enjoying the silence. They had shared most of the firsts there- first ‘I love you’ and first kiss and night together.

 

The interviewer took his moment to strike.

 

“And do you have someone to share this ‘special hideaway’ with?”

 

And there it was- the question that everyone wanted to know. The question Louis knew would be splashed across the papers depending on his answer. Was he ready to share something he had tried so hard to protect? Liam had told him that he should do what he felt was right. It was just so Liam- putting the others feelings before his own.

 

Leaning back Louis brushed his fringe out of his face.

 

Harry sat on the edge of seat. To be honest he wasn’t sure which answer he was ready for. If Louis had found someone- it was over. But Harry would know that Louis had been able to fix the mess he had made of his heart.

 

Ed sat glued to the screen- beer in hand. He knew the answer- knew that what ever left Louis’ mouth right in that moment and the potential of breaking Harry’s heart. After all this time Harry was finally in a good place and Ed couldn’t help but pray that Harry was a- either not watching or b- would take it as the fuel to continue on with his new life. He couldn’t do it again- couldn’t watch his best friend fall apart in front of him. As this time he didn’t think he would be able to save him.

 

Louis looked over to his Mum who was trying to send him a reassuring smile. If anyone knew what his mind was going through right now it was her. If he admitted his relationship- it was the end of all their privacy. Being in the spotlight had already ruined one relationship. He would be damned if her let that happened again. But if he denied it- he would be throwing something special to him under the bus.

 

He cleared his through before continuing.

 

“If there’s something I’ve learnt from my time in this crazy business is that it has a habit of ruining things that are special. If I don’t keep my personal life as just that- then I would loose myself. I don’t mean to sound rude but I need to protect what I can. In answer to your question – I’m incredibly happy and that’s all that matters.”

 

He couldn’t help but notice that the interviewer looked rather dissatisfied with his answer.

 

“ And before you ask again that’s all your getting. I’m sure you are looking for me name but you know what its taken me this long to learn how to love again. I am not letting that be ruined.”

 

At that moment Louis could help but spare a glance over to Liam. He was sure that camera caught his pointed gaze and that people would speculate but he couldn’t care. Seeing Liam’s reaction was what was important in that moment.

 

Displeased with his lack of scoop, the interviewer struck with another question.

“Just out of interest- do you think that part of you still loves him- Harry I mean?”

 

Anger. That’s all Liam could feel. If it weren’t for Zayn’s hand on his leg he would be on stage punching the interviewer straight in the face. Did then man have no dignity. He knew what Louis had been through and yet he still had the gall to ask. Underneath it all, Liam didn’t know if he could cope with one of the answers.

 

Louis froze.

 

~~Xoxooxxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxox~~

Ed sat back and watched as Liam processed what he had just told him.

 

“Do you.. um… think that I should speak to him?”

 

In a ideal world- Liam would meet with Harry – they would hug and make up but Ed wasn’t under any false pretences. The ins and outs of fall out of One Direction was too complicated to simply fix through talking. As far as Ed was concerned the last thing harry needed at the moment was something that could send him backwards. Ed didn’t care if he was overprotecting Harry but himself and the Styles family had worked to hard to loose Harry again. Liam and Harry’s relationship had gone under a lot of strain just before the One Direction split from what he could remember from Harry’s rants to him, Nick and James Cordon several times in the pub. He was never quite sure why , none of them having the nerve to ask or the want to interrupt band politics.

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

 

Liam looked torn.

 

“Maybe not. He’s alright though right?”

 

“With everything considering- yeah he’ll be alright. He’s started a new job and he’s building his life up again. I just don’t think he needs a reminder right now of what he’s done.”

 

Liam nodded his head in agreement.

 

“It’s weird to think of Harry doing anything but singing. Out of all of us he was the one most designed for this lifestyle.”

 

Ed smiled sadly as Liam got up to leave.

 

“Life’s a funny thing. Do you want me to walk you out.”

 

Shaking his head Liam started walking towards the door.

 

“Thanks for… umm.. thanks”

 

“No problem- good luck with everything mate.”

 

“Yeah you too.”

 

Just as Liam was about to walk out the room he turned once more towards Ed.

 

“We all miss him you know?  I just hope you’ve got the Harry back we all remember.”

 

With that Liam hurried out the room.

 

Ed let out a large sigh before rubbing his head in his hands. Shit- he really needed a beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments are greatly appreciated. :D xx


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is really short but it's the end of the interview so I felt it was a suitable end point for the chapter. Thank you so much for everyone who has read, commented, subscribed and booked marked this story it means alot. Enjoy xx

 

 

 

 

He couldn’t lie. Although it may pass on the TV, the people who knew him well would know if he did. When he agreed to the interview he knew it would bring up the past – unwrap emotions he had buried deep. Buried so he could move on. Maybe if he admitted the truth to everyone he could finally let go.

 

“Yes. Yes I do.”

 

He paused a moment taking in the tense silence in the studio which he could imagine was spreading through houses all round the country.

 

“Not what you wanted me to say is it? Everyone wants me to say that I hate Harry but I don’t. I can’t. When you love someone for so long –you cant just stop. I will always love Harry- I may not be in love with him but I will always care for him. I…”

 

Louis felt his voice break- finally letting the pain and emotion enter his voice.

 

“I can never understand what happened between us. I miss him. We can never take some things back but at the same time no one can erase the moments we had together. I never want anyone to take them away from me. So yeah I Love Harry Styles- there’s the headline everyone wants. But love isn’t that simple. Love for me is the moments when everything and nothing makes sense; when you feel so connected to someone that there is no way to explain it. Break ups are hard – all of sudden it’s just you but you aren’t the person that started the relationship. Nobody says it’s easy but then nobody tells how hard it is. Everyone remembers the first time they fell in love- the first time you let someone in fully – and even though it ended on bad terms- I hope that Harry has managed to find that again. Because I think I have. ”

 

The interviewer seemed shocked by Louis’ honesty.

 

“Have you seen Harry since?”

 

“No. Do I want to? Until recently I thought the answer was no. But in five years I’ve become a different person and I can imagine he has too. It scares me sometimes that I don’t know where he is or what he is doing. “

 

“Do you ever think One Direction will get back together?”

 

“I can’t predict the future – no one knows what will happen this evening let alone in a year. I’m not saying never. I could never have predicted what has happened in my life so far.”

 

“Your life sure has been a rollercoaster. Ladies and Gentleman Louis Tomlinson. Thank you for sharing your words with us this evening.”

Louis vaguely remembers shaking his hand shooting a wave to the audience before he walked offset. He walked straight to the dressing room bypassing stage hands, shutting the door firmly behind him before he broke down. Let out the emotion he hadn’t in years. As he softly rocked on the floor , Louis felt arms wrap around him and a hand rubbing smoothly on his back. Liam’s hand. Burying is face into Liam’s jumper; Louis let the tears flow even harder.

 

“It’s over Lou. It’s all done.”

 

 

The first thing Harry did was grab the phone but as he went to press the phone the doorbell rang. Before he could even answer it – the door slammed open.

 

 

“Haz…”

 

Harry felt himself break.

 

Ed watched as Harry’s face crumpled – he knew he was right in coming. After all these years everything was out in the open. He couldn’t imagine what was going through Harry’s head right now and all he wanted to do was protect him.

 

Ed strode over to Harry pulling his tall frame into his body.

 

“It ok Haz everything is going to be ok.”

 

Ed didn’t know if it was but right now all he could do was hold onto Harry. He hadn’t felt it in a long time but tonight he had been scared. Scared that he was going to loose Harry again. As he felt Harry’s shuddering sobs vibrating through him he held on as tight as he could afraid of what would happen if he let go.


	20. Chapter 20

Ed sat at Harry’s kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. Harry was still asleep in bed- after all it was only 6:30 and he didn’t have to be at work till 9. He hadn’t slept at all – had just lain next to Harry making sure he was ok. Making sure that nothing happened. So maybe he had done a check of all his kitchen cupboards this morning and riffled around through his bedroom, living room and bathroom. He did it out of concern. He trusted Harry but when it came to Louis things were never rational.

 

“Why are you awake so early?”

 

Looking over he saw Harry leaning against the door frame, curls flat against his forehead and arms crossed nervously across his chest.

 

            “Couldn’t sleep. “

 

Harry rolled his eyes.

 

“You didn’t sleep at all did you?”

 

There was no point lying.

 

“No but it’s fine.”

 

Shaking his head, Harry went and sat down next to Ed. He paused for a moment before turning his head to Ed, green eyes looking so lost.

 

            “What do I do now Ed?”

 

            “You keep going H. You are doing so well – you can’t let this hurt you. I know its easy for me to say but…”

 

            “I’m not going to let you down again don’t worry. “

 

Ed leant across and squeezed Harry’s hand.

 

            “We are going to get through is.”

 

Harry shot Ed a grateful smile.

 

“Thanks. I wouldn’t be here without you.”

 

A moment passed before Harry cracked a smirk .

 

“I don’t think I should watch Good Morning Britain this morning- might have to watch Hollyoaks Extra instead.”

 

“Don’t pretend you don’t watch that anyway- I’ve seen your tivo at home and I know Gemma or your Mum don’t watch it.”

 

“How do you know it’s not Robin?!”

 

“Because it was under H Faves.”

 

Harry laughed.

 

“Busted! If we go now we can catch the omnibus.”

 

Chuckling to himself, Ed motioned to Harry he would join him in a minute. Ed knew Harry was covering his feelings. Could tell from the gentle shakes in Harry’s body as he dreamt next Ed. He knew that when he had a bad day he just wanted to have a beer and forget everything – Harry couldn’t do that. He couldn’t even imagine what Harry was going through right now. All he knew was that he needed to protect him as best as he could. Something’s Harry had to deal with himself but Ed was going to do as much as he could. Once Harry had left the room, he pulled out his phone and checked twitter just as he had been doing all night – gaging the reaction of the interview. Of course there had been the angry abusive tweets towards Harry but he was surprised and happy to see how many people were sending their support to Louis AND Harry. Naturally there was speculation on who Louis was with and he knew Harry was wondering too. Ed was almost 100 per cent shore he knew- but there was no way he going to let Harry know.  A sudden urge of inspiration hit him and before he could stop himself he was typing away. He walked over to the fridge and rearranged the magnet letters that Harry had nicked from his house, before taking a photo and attaching it to the tweet. Pressing send before he could stop himself.

 

**@EdSheeran**

**‘If you're broke I'll mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on’.**

 

 

He had never given any public acknowledgement to his and Harry’s relationship- making sure that all interviewers knew he wasn’t going to answer any questions on it. Especially after his song ‘H’ had been released. But right now Harry needed someone in his corner- in public and in private.

 

* * *

 

 

­­

“I’m never drinking again.”

 

Liam laughed as Niall walked into the living room- quickly hiding his phone, not wanting the others to know he was trying to Google Harry. They had all stayed at Niall’s last night after going out following the interview-with the aim of helping him set up his new house today. Even after Louis had broken down in Liam’s arms he was still determined to go out- not wanting to ‘let the boys down’. Slightly reluctantly Liam had agreed to come too – sure it was fun to go out as the four of them along with Stan ,but his mind had been else where. Not only that but watching as Louis drank drink after drink – he knew Louis was trying to forget everything that had just happened. Even the other boys had looked surprised about how much he was drinking. None of them said anything – If Louis wanted to be wasted after what had just happened than he had every right to.

 

“Now that’s one I’ve never heard before.”

 

Niall shot him a finger before slumping into the seat next to Liam.

 

“Noticed you weren’t feeling last night – you alright?”

 

“Not really. But I will be. Is Lou awake yet?”

 

“NAhh dead to the world when I walked passed- don’t t think I’ve seen him that drunk in a while. They really hit him with those questions yesterday.”

 

“Mmmm- let’s hope no one papped us-that would be all we needed on top of yesterday. What are you are doing up anyway?”

 

“Needed to piss and some coffee and food.”

 

Liam chuckled – Niall never changed.

 

“Fancy going out with me to get some.”

 

“Niall you have a kettle and coffee in the kitchen.”

 

“Yeah but I can’t make the froamy vanilary one they do at Starbuck’s can I?”

 

“You are such a girl some time.”

 

Niall just smiled.

 

‘I take that as a yes. Any way mate it’ll be good for you to get out the house clear ya head.”

No one could ever say no to Niall. And he was right- his mind was ready to explode with everything from yesterday going round in circles.

 

“I’ll just grab my wallet.”

 

* * *

 

It had taken all of Harry’s persuasive skills to stop Ed walking with him to work – “Your not my mum”- but he needed sometime to himself.  Truth was last night he had picked up the phone because he was terrified. For the first time in years, he had felt the nagging itch under his skin. Could feel his blood pulsing yearning for something else.- something to dull his thudding brain and heart. If Ed hadn’t turned up when he did- Harry didn’t want to think about it.

            As he began to pass people in the street, Harry pulled his beanie even closer over his curls. Thankfully it was a sunny day, which meant he could wear his sunglasses without looking like too much of a dick. He knew he could have phoned Lou and she would have given him the day off but he couldn’t sit and wallow in his apartment in his pyjamas. Getting out and getting dressed was what he needed- he was going to have to see people eventually. The people at the salon would notice as well – if he weren’t there it would only add to the gossip going round.

            His mind was still buzzing with the words from the interview. If there’s one thing Harry could take from it – it was that Louis didn’t hate him. He never thought he would hear him say that. People could interpret the interview how they like but to him – it felt almost like a goodbye. Harry didn’t know if he was ready for that.  As he walked he could hear people in the street talking about last night and wished he’d bought his head phones. Every time he heard Louis’ name he felt the urge to get a drink grow stronger. He sped up – he needed to talk to Lou. Harry hadn’t phoned Gemma or his mum yet- afraid that they would be able to tell in his voice that he was breaking and demand he came home.

            Arriving outside the salon, Harry as surprised to see Lou leaning against the front door instead of being inside.  She looked up and relief crossed her face. Before Harry could make another move, he found himself with Lou’s arms flung round his middle pulling him into her petite frame.

 

“Hey hun- I’ve closed the salon for the morning.

 

Harry pulled back.

 

“Lou you didn’t have…”

 

“Of course I did- you are more important than my clients right now.”

 

Hugging her tighter, Harry couldn’t be more grateful to have people like Lou and Ed in his life.

 

“I could really do with a coffee right now.”

 

Lou smiled up at him , stroking her hand against his cheek.

 

“Perfect. “

 

Wrapping her fingers into his she squeezed his slightly shanking hand tight. Watching the interview last night Lou’s heart had broke for Louis and Harry and she couldn’t help but feel relieved that Harry was stood here in person.

* * *

 

 

Upon entering the café Lou could sense Harry’s nerves of being surrounded by other people and potentially being noticed, so directed Harry to the back to grab a seat while she ordered. She already knew what he wanted. It wasn’t that busy -only a few old business men who probably had never even heard of One Direction so there shouldn’t be a problem anyway. Standing by the counter waiting for the waitress to come back in from the kitchen , Lou sent a quick text to Gemma letting her know Harry was with her – still safe and still alive.

 

“I can’t believe the bloody Starbucks was shut.”

 

She felt her breath catch in her throat as she heard an unmistakable an Irish voice.

 

Shit. Lou looked anxiously over in Harry’s direction who had obviously not heard  -too busy looking at his phone a tense expression covering his face.

 

* * *

 

Liam trailed into the coffee shop behind Niall- grateful to find somewhere to stop Niall whining about the fact that Starbucks was shut.  To be honest this seemed the better option- less people meant they were less likely to be hounded. He wasn’t in the mood this morning. Not looking where he was going he walked into Niall who had suddenly ground to a halt.

 

“Hey mate why did you stop?”

 

It was only then that Liam looked over to see where Niall was starring. Despite her back being turned, the only person that hair could belong to was Lou. Lou who he hadn’t spoken to since... well since Harry left. Shit this was not he needed this morning. Before he could grab Niall to leave, Niall strode over to Lou and tapped her on the shoulder, leaving Liam awkwardly hanging behind him

 

“Lou! It been too long!”

 

If Liam was mistaken a flicker of panic passed across Lou’s face as she glanced over her shoulder before she’s accepted Niall’s hug.

 

“Niall- its uh … good see you too! I didn’t know you lived round here.”

 

“Ah no I just moved in this week- the lads are helping me unpack.”

 

Niall gestured behind him to Liam- who gave what was probably the most awkward wave of his life over to Lou.

 

* * *

 

 

Harry couldn’t believe what Ed had put on Instagram. Although he didn’t have twitter anymore, his sister had sent him a screenshot by email. Ed never liked to blur his private and public life, but the day Harry needed it most he had shown his support in a way that was so totally ‘Ed’. Looking over to see where Lou had got to, he noticed she had disappeared from by the counter. Strange – it wasn’t that busy and they hadn’t been anyone they knew when they came in.  Perhaps she needed some help with the drinks. Comfortable that no one was around that recognised him, Harry slipped his beanie off tucking it into the back pocket of his jeans as he stood up to go and find Lou. He looked in the mirror on the wall as he walked passed. He looked exhausted- bags under his eyes, skin slightly patchy and hair a wild mess not helped by the removal of his beanie. Maybe it was a good job he wasn’t working this morning.

           

Walking into the front of the shop Harry spotted Lou standing with two people, their backs towards him. With a couple more steps Harry could start to hear the conversation. His heart stopped. Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed- comment to let me know what you thought :D x


	21. A new beginning Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They all said "Hallo" and felt awkward and unhappy suddenly, because it was sort of a goodbye they were saying, and they didn't want to think about it. So they stood around and waited for someone else to speak, and they nudged each other, and said "Go on"..."   
> \- A.A. Milne -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to all my lovely readers :D Hope you all enjoy- Would love to know what you think :) x

It had been five years. Five years since he had heard that voice in person and now Niall was standing right in front of him with what was definitely Liam stood next to him. He wasn’t ready – his mind was telling him to get out – run out the café while he still could but his feet were glued to to the floor. All he could feel was the thud of heart – everything else was numb. There was a brief pause in the conversation when Lou suddenly caught Harry’s eye.

 

Lou had never seen anyone look as panicked as Harry did in that moment. She didn’t know what to do. Any second now Liam and Niall were going to turn around and spot Harry. Harry who currently looked torn between having a heart attack and running out the door.          

 

            Noticing Lou’s long pause and intense, all most petrified stare over their shoulders, Niall and Liam turned round bemused by what had put Lou into a state of shock.

 

“Fuck Me.”

 

The words left Niall’s mouth before he could even process what was going on. There standing in front of him and Liam was someone who couldn’t be anyone else but Harry Styles. He was taller than when they had last seen him and skinnier if that was possible. The same brown curls swept across his face but he looked so much older than Harry he remembered

 

All Lou wanted to do was wrap Harry up in her arms and get him out of here.  She hadn’t been been prepared for this this morning and she sure as hell you knew Harry wasn’t.

 

Finally getting control of his body, Harry took a step back but was surprised when Niall’s arm reached out to grab his.

 

“Harry?”

 

“Hi Niall.”

 

Harry’s voice was so quiet – that they could barely hear it but the low slow tone was unmistakable.

 

Liam couldn’t believe his eyes- couldn’t believe the very person who had all filed their thoughts last night was actually standing right there. Harry was no longer just part of the past. All the things he had wanted to say – wanted to ask just left his mind completely. He could sense Harry’s nervous glances over at him as he stood there and Liam felt guilty. Guilt for the relationship with Louis that Harry didn’t even know existed

 

Lou interrupted the following silence, desperate to rescue Harry; watching as he self consciously rubbed at the scars on his arms. She knew what that meant- he was nervous and self conscious. She noticed the slight shake of his fingers as he passed over the largest one. The one from the night Ed had found him in the bath. Ed hadn’t told her about that for a long time. In fact it had been Gemma who told her first. Told her how they arrived in A and E to find Ed soaking wet and covered in blood, pacing the waiting room , his face paler than she had ever seen. If Harry was stroking that scar it meant one thing and one thing only – Harry was withdrawing and he was terrified. Lou needed to stop this – now.

 

“H and I were just getting some coffee…”

 

“Would you mind if we joined you?”

 

Niall, Lou and Harry all looked slightly shocked as Liam finally spoke. He couldn’t just let this event go with out seeing Harry properly. For years he had said he never wanted to see him again but that was so much easier to justify to himself when the possibility of seeing wasn’t there. Harry had changed- the baby face and innocent eyes replaced by gaunt cheeks and eyes beyond their years. He couldn’t help but notice also has Harry rubbed nervously at his arms, the slight white marks. Scars of the past that Liam knew so very little about. Liam still remembered his conversation with Ed and seeing the scars scared him.

 

 Maybe he would finally get some answers. None of them really knew what happened that night- had only seen the repercussions through Louis. From last night it was obvious they all needed closure and maybe from this he could finally find some.

 

“Maybe that’s not..”

 

“Ok.”

 

Lou turned surprised to Harry.

 

“Are you sure H?”

 

She didn’t care if she was being rude to Liam and Niall. Harry was her priority.

 

This time he answered with more conviction staring Liam right in the eye and Liam was struck by the sadness hidden deep with them.

 

“Yeah. “

 

Still slightly unsure, Lou nodded.

 

“Liam and I’ll get the drinks – why don’t you and Niall go and sit in the corner?”

 

She felt bad but she wasn’t ready to leave Harry alone with the both of them yet. Lou knew that Niall cared; had felt the loss of Harry almost as much as Louis. She could hear it in the songs he wrote for other people – the confusion and hurt of loosing a friend who had become his brother. Lou also knew Liam had more to loose from Harry coming into their lives and she wanted to talk to him before they all sat together.

 

Niall and Harry nodded.

 

“Lead the way H.”


	22. A new beginning Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.  
> \- Walter Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy and let me know what you think :D xxx

Making sure Harry and Niall were out of earshot, Lou turned to Liam.

 

“Don’t hurt him.”

 

“I..”

 

“No I’m serious Liam. I don’t care about the past and what’s happened between you all but Harry’s been through enough already.”

…….

 

Niall sat across from the Harry not knowing what to say – which was a first for Niall. He was never normally stuck for words. He watched as Harry nervously fiddled with his phone. It was strange- the Harry he knew was rarely nervous – always the one leading the group in meeting new people. But then again the Harry sat in front of him wasn’t the Harry he remembered either. Gone was the confidant carefree aura that used to follow him and that Niall always used to slightly envy.

            His mind was running into overdrive- this wasn’t happening , it couldn’t be happening. All this time he had planned what would happen if he saw the boys again. But all of the plans had flown out of the window the moment he had seen them. Come on Harry- say something…. Anything…

 

“Your last song was good….”

 

Niall almost missed it Harry had said it so fast it was almost inaudible.

 

“  Thanks – I really enjoyed writing that one. You still writing music?”

 

Harry shook his head, scratching up and down his arm in a rhythmic motion.

 

“Nahh. Um do you mind if I just go to the toilet for a minute ?”

 

“No problem.”

 

Harry dashed out to the toilet as fast as possible, dialling his phone as soon as he entered the cubicle.

 

‘Hello?”

 

“Edthey’rehere.”

 

Harry spoke so quickly Ed didn’t catch what he was saying.

 

“Harry slow down.”

 

Taking a few deep breaths, Harry spoke again.

 

“Liam and Niall are here right now.”

 

He heard Ed’s inhale of breath before a moment of silence passed over the phone line.

 

“Harry where are you?”

 

“What do I say? What do I do? “

 

His words sped up as mind went in to overdrive and he could feel the shakes taking over his body.

 

All Ed could hear down the phone was Harry’s rugged breaths rapidly increasing in pace with each passing second. Shit – he needed to be there. Why had he agreed to let Harry go this morning?

 

“Harry BREATHE..in and out.. in and out.”

 

He didn’t stop until he heard Harry’s breaths begin to level out.

 

“Where are you bud?”

 

“In the café by work…”

 

Harry sank against the door.

 

“Do you need me to come?”

 

Pausing to think , Harry shook his head.

 

“No… No you don’t need to come.”

 

Ed wasn’t so sure about that.

 

‘Harry I can literally be with you in 5 minutes…”

 

“Ed honestly … this was going to happen eventually … I just … “

 

“Whatever they say H- don’t let it get to you.”

 

There was slightly more hesitation than Ed would have liked before Harry replied.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Im serious Harry. You should be so flaming proud of how far you’ve come – don’t let them stop you.”

 

Harry let Ed’s words sink in. He was right, 2 years ago Harry would have been straight in a bottle after last night or worse spaced and unconscious in some dingy London club. Taking a deep breath Harry confessed something to Ed he had been holding back all morning.

 

 “I really wanted to do it again. Last night and this morning.”

 

Ed’s heart broke- he knew what Harry meant. Harry had never admitted it before- always too embarrassed by his addictions to let others see his weak moments. But Ed could always tell.

 

“But you didn’t.”

 

Harry was overwhelmed by the pride that Ed’s voice held. No he hadn’t.

 

“Yeah – I can do this. “

 

Ed self-consciously wiped away the sudden wetness from around his eyes.

 

“Yes you can. I’m with you every step.”

 

“I’ll see you this evening?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Harry hung up the phone- taking a moment to compose himself before he walked into the lion’s den.

 

\--

 

By the time Liam and Lou had sat down at the table with drinks, Harry was just returning from the bathroom. Lou shot him a concerned glance but he mustered up his best reassuring smile.  He knew she would see right through it – he just hoped to God that Liam and Niall couldn’t. 

 

“I got you the flaming coffee you’ve been twittering about all morning.”

           

Niall shot Liam a finger before grabbing the coffee eagerly off of the tray.

 

‘Let me guess- extra foam, vanilla latte just below boiling temperature?”

 

Liam and Niall looked at Harry, surprise etched across both of their faces.

 

You can do this Harry. He repeated the mantra in his head as he willed himself to continue. Niall nodded, a warm grin growing across his features.

 

“Yeah- I guess nothing really changes with me eh?”

 

Sitting down, next to Lou- Harry shyly returned the smile picking up the smoothie bottle Lou had got him. She had obviously guessed he hadn’t had breakfast. Lou also knew that coffee made the withdrawals worse. He squeezed her hand quickly in thanks before focusing his attention back to Niall and Liam. God even the thought sounded strange in his head. With his mind slightly more focused than before he took the moment to fully take in boys’ appearances. Niall had finally let his hair grow out to its natural colour. The golden brown colour really suited him- especially now he had matured. He may still be short – but Niall didn’t look young anymore and there was an air of confidence about him there hadn’t been before. Liam looked great too- the body he had spent his time perfecting as toned as ever. He was truly one of those people who got better with age- the next generation Gary Barlow. That’s not to say he wasn’t handsome when he was younger but the celebrity lifestyle had treated him well. Liam was designed for it. 

The image in front of Lou was still making her mind run. Of all places in the world for One Direction to reunite- a local café in the middle of Notting Hill would not have been her first guess. She took a sip of her green chai latte- she had a feeling she was going to need the caffeine.

 

 

 


	23. Six Degrees of Separation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used here is Six Degrees of Separation by The Script- amazing band i truly recommend :)
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think :D xx

Making sure Harry and Niall were out of earshot, Lou turned to Liam.

 

“Don’t hurt him.”

 

“I..”

 

“No I’m serious Liam. I don’t care about the past and what’s happened between you all but Harry’s been through enough already.”

 

“I promise… Ed told me what happened.”

 

Lou was shocked – Ed hadn’t told her that he had seen Liam.

 

“The you know that mentioning you and Louis would be an incredibly bad move.”

 

Now it was Liam’s turn to look surprised.

…….

 

Niall sat across from the Harry not knowing what to say – which was a first for Niall. He was never normally stuck for words, although this wasn’t really a normal situation. All he had wanted was his bloody coffee and now he was here. In front of someone who he had missed so dearly but didn’t know how to speak to. He knew what Harry did was wrong – he had had his time of anger but Niall knew Harry. Knew what lay underneath the mistakes. Niall wished he had kept in contact but he got to the point that it had been to long and he didn’t know what to say anymore. He guessed that Harry probably didn’t want them there either- none of them had been there for him – left him to suffer in a situation that no one should go through alone.

 

He watched as Harry nervously fiddled with his phone. It was strange- the Harry he remembered was rarely nervous – always the one leading the group in meeting new people. But then again the Harry sat in front of him wasn’t the Harry he remembered either. Gone was the confidant carefree aura that used to follow him and that Niall always used to slightly envy.

            His mind was running into overdrive- this wasn’t happening , it couldn’t be happening. All this time he had planned what would happen if he saw the boys again. But all of the plans had flown out of the window the moment he had seen them. Come on Harry- say something…. Anything…

 

“Your last song was good….”

 

Niall almost missed it. Harry had said it so fast it was almost inaudible.

 

“  Thanks – I really enjoyed writing that one. You still writing music?”

 

Harry shook his head, scratching up and down his arm in a rhythmic motion.

 

“Nahh. Um do you mind if I just go to the toilet for a minute ?”

 

“No problem.”

 

Harry dashed out to the toilet as fast as possible, dialling his phone as soon as he entered the cubicle.

 

‘Hello?”

 

“Edthey’rehere.”

 

Harry spoke so quickly Ed didn’t catch what he was saying.

 

“Harry slow down.”

 

Taking a few deep breaths, Harry spoke again.

 

“Liam and Niall are here right now.”

 

He heard Ed’s inhale of breath before a moment of silence passed over the phone line.

 

“Harry where are you?”

 

“What do I say? What do I do? “

 

His words sped up as mind went in to overdrive and he could feel the shakes taking over his body.

 

All Ed could hear down the phone was Harry’s rugged breaths rapidly increasing in pace with each passing second. Shit – he needed to be there. Why had he agreed to let Harry go this morning?

 

“Harry BREATHE..in and out.. in and out.”

 

He didn’t stop until he heard Harry’s breaths begin to level out.

 

“Where are you bud?”

 

“In the café by work…”

 

Harry sank against the door.

 

“Do you need me to come?”

 

Pausing to think , Harry shook his head.

 

“No… No you don’t need to come.”

 

Ed wasn’t so sure about that.

 

‘Harry I can literally be with you in 5 minutes…”

 

“Ed honestly … this was going to happen eventually … I just … “

 

“Whatever they say H- don’t let it get to you.”

 

There was slightly more hesitation than Ed would have liked before Harry replied.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m serious Harry. You should be so flaming proud of how far you’ve come – don’t let them stop you.”

 

Harry let Ed’s words sink in. He was right, 2 years ago Harry would have been straight in a bottle after last night or worse spaced and unconscious in some dingy London club. Taking a deep breath, Harry confessed something to Ed he had been holding back all morning.

 

 “I really wanted to do it again. Last night and this morning.”

 

Ed’s heart broke- he knew what Harry meant. Harry had never admitted it before- always too embarrassed by his addictions to let others see his weak moments. But Ed could always tell.

 

“But you didn’t.”

 

Harry was overwhelmed by the pride that Ed’s voice held. No he hadn’t.

 

“Yeah – I can do this. “

 

Ed self-consciously wiped away the sudden wetness from around his eyes.

 

“Yes you can. I’m with you every step.”

 

“I’ll see you this evening?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Harry hung up the phone- taking a moment to compose himself before he walked into the lion’s den.

 

\--

 

By the time Liam and Lou had sat down at the table with drinks, Harry was just returning from the bathroom. Lou shot him a concerned glance but he mustered up his best reassuring smile.  He knew she would see right through it – he just hoped to God that Liam and Niall couldn’t. 

 

“I got you the flaming coffee you’ve been twittering about all morning.”

           

Niall shot Liam a finger before grabbing the coffee eagerly off of the tray.

 

‘Let me guess- extra foam, vanilla latte just below boiling temperature?”

 

Liam and Niall looked at Harry surprise etched across both of their faces.

 

You can do this Harry. He repeated the mantra in his head as he willed himself to continue. Niall nodded, a warm genuine grin growing across his features.

 

“Yeah- I guess nothing really changes with me eh?”

 

Sitting down next to Lou- Harry shyly returned the smile picking up the smoothie bottle Lou had got him. She had obviously guessed he hadn’t had breakfast. Lou also knew that coffee made the withdrawals worse. He squeezed her hand quickly in thanks before focusing his attention back to Niall and Liam. God even the thought sounded strange in his head. With his mind slightly more focused than before he took the moment to fully take in boys’ appearances. Niall had finally let his hair grow out its natural colour. The golden brown colour really suited him- especially now he had filled out. He may still be short – but Niall didn’t look young anymore and there was an air of confidence about him there hadn’t been before. Liam looked great too- the body he had spent his time perfecting as toned as ever. He was truly one of those people who got better with age- the next generation Gary Barlow. That’s not to say he wasn’t handsome when he was younger but the celebrity lifestyle had treated him well. Liam was designed for it.

 

The image in front of Lou was still making her mind run. Of all places in the world for One Direction to reunite- a local café in the middle of Notting Hill would not have been her first guess. Lou took a sip of her green chai latte- she had a feeling she was going to need the caffeine.

 

  
Woken by the sounds of piano spreading through the house, Zayn went on a mission to find who had disturbed his sleep prepared to unleash his hung over wrath. Passing the other boys rooms he was surprised to find them empty. They had all hit the booze pretty hard last night Apart from Liam. He definitely needed to talk to Liam today. The sight that greeted him when he reached the room Niall had allotted as the music room warmed and broke his heart all at once. He hadn't seen Louis write music since... Since One Direction. He looked so serene fingers dusting along the keys and his rich tenor that had matured so much since Louis last sang, echoing in the empty room. But what struck Zayn most were the words - Louis was laying his heart bare.   
  
"Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that,  
You're better now than ever, and your life's okay  
When it's not. No.  
You're doing all these things out of desperation,  
Ohhh ohhh,  
You're going through six degrees of separation."  
  
Louis paused in thought before continuing - memories of him and Harry filing every space of his mind.   
  
"First, you think the worst is a broken heart  
What's gonna kill you is the second part  
And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle"  
  
Louis stopped suddenly and turned to stare at Zayn.  
  
"Please don't stop- it's brilliant Lou. How long have you been writing that?"  
  
He shrugged absentmindedly.   
  
"Just been going round my head. Needed to clear it after last night got me thinking. Nothing special."   
  
Zayn didn't want to push but that song was more than just words.   
  
"Thinking about what Lou?"  
  
Staring off into the distance Louis fiddled with a few notes before answering- his voice full of uncertainty.  
  
"It's  never going to be over is it..."   
  
"Louis..."   
  
" I think we need to do it again "  
  
Zayn was confused -   
  
"Do what Louis ?"  
  
"If we get on stage and sing - altogether- maybe I can finally..."  
  
He understood- the way things had finished for One Direction provided no closure for any of them. All that was left of the band was a collection of unfinished songs and some painful memories. They couldn't leave something that had meant so much like that. The world was a crazy place and the four of them had survived everything that had been thrown their way but maybe Louis was right. Maybe it was time to stand together again.   
  
"I think we should reform One Direction."


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song credit goes to the amazing coldplay <3
> 
> hope all my lovely readers enjoy the new chapter xxx
> 
> comments are greatly appreciated :) x

How on earth do you start a conversation with someone you haven’t seen for so long? Especially when you have been avoiding them. There were things Liam would love to say but there was no way he was going to say them in the middle of a café where anyone in the world could work past. Even Niall seemed stumped what else to say- he didn’t think he had ever seen Niall this quiet.

 

“How was your last tour?”

 

Liam was startled by Harry’s question. To be honest it was still a shock to hear that voice – one that had lingered in the back of all their minds. It was deeper now and Liam could bet that it sounded amazing in a song. The fact that Harry also knew that he’d been on tour meant he must have at least following what they did as well. It was easier for him – Harry had disappeared no way of possibly finding out where he was. Not that Liam had put that much effort into looking.

 

“Really good thanks um.. everyone seemed to like the new album which is good?”

 

“Yeah the album was brilliant!”

 

“Um thanks Harry. Means a lot.”

 

Every time he looked at Harry – all he did was flash back to his conversation with Ed. To think that Harry could not have been here – that he could be dead with out any of them knowing. It scared him. He knew they all liked to think that Harry had been swanning around lavishing in some sex and party filled lifestyle. But seeing him here – any of those claims could be dismissed. 

 

“What’s that on your arm?”

 

It came out of nowhere. Niall himself even looked surprised at his own sentence. He never had had a social filter but the look on Harry’s face made him want to dig himself back into a hole.

 

‘Niall…”

 

 Lou felt Harrys body completely tense next to her. Shit. Harry stood up suddenly slightly knocking the table.

 

“Sorry but I’m… Im going to go.”

 

“Harry stop…”

 

Anyone who knew Harry would recognise the panicked look – the look that Harry showed when he felt trapped. And he when he was trapped he lashed out. It was his protection mechanism.

 

“Harry come on babe sit down.”

 

He shook his head frantically turning away; only stopping when Niall grabbed his arm. The voice that left Harry was one the boys had never heard before. It had edge that younger Harry certainly didn’t.

 

‘Get off me Niall.”

 

“Please stay mate.”

 

“Mate? You really wanna go there.”

 

Niall flinched. Lou needed to stop this before it got nasty- Harry wasn’t in the right place for this. Liam’s eyes were flashing quickly between Niall and Harry.

 

“Harry…”

 

“No Lou. They’re right. I should tell them.”

 

Harry’s voice was rising with each word.

 

“ Do you really want to know what it is Niall? Because the past 5 years tell me you don’t. I sure as hell don’t think you cared when it all happened did you! So I’m sorry but this is bullshit right now! So you can go back to leading your perfect life yeah? Im going to go. “

 

He rushed out the door leaving Niall and Liam stunned in his wake.

 

“Shit. I didn’t mean…”

 

Lou was half torn between running straight after Harry and staying here to talk to the boys. But she knew Harry needed his space to cool down- she just prayed he was sensible.

 

“You know what guys I’m going to be blunt with you both. Harry’s been through shit the past 5 years neither of you will ever understand. While your lives continued- his stopped. I’m not going to lie he’s not the same boy you remember – he’s tainted and scarred. I’m not going to let you waltz back in here and ruin everything we’ve worked for …”

 

Her voice cracked.

 

“I can’t let that happen.”

 

 

 

Harry opened the door to his flat, keys shaking in his hand. Fuck what had he done?

 

“H?”

 

Ed walked into the hallway guitar in hand, a look of concern across his face as he took in his shaking hands and the frantic look in his eyes.

 

“Harry what happened?”

 

There was no reply as Harry walked passed him into the kitchen. Ed followed panicked. He should have gone to the café. He shouldn’t have left Harry to face it himself.

 

 “Please tell me you haven’t taken something. I love you but if you have I’m driving you straight back to rehab right now mate. “

 

At that Harry paused as if noticing for the first time that Ed was present.

 

“They asked about the scars.”

 

  1.   That would explain it.



 

“I just freaked and I didn’t know what to say and …. They were there you know like actually siting there.”

 

“Harry it’s ok…”

 

“It’s not though is it? “

 

“Do you need to talk to someone again?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“I should text Lou she’ll be worried.”

 

“Yeah that would be a good idea. Why don’t I make us a cuppa eh? Take my guitar into the living room?”

 

“Thanks Ed.”

 

Ed smiled warmly at him before passing his guitar over to Harry and watched as he walked over to the living room. He leaned against the counter as he waited for the kettle to boil. He didn’t know what he was doing anymore- nobody prepared you for moments like this. But he knew Harry and he knew he wasn’t going to loose him. That would have to be enough. They had worked this out before and they could do it again.

            Walking across to the living room with two steaming teas , he stopped abruptly at a sound coming from behind the door he didn’t think he would ever again. It was unmistakably Harry but it was so different to before. Even though it was only basic guitar chords, the voice that accompanied them was haunting.

 

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start.

 

Before he could walk in, there was a knock on the front door. Ed placed the teas by the door and went to answer it. It would probably be Lou worried about where Harry had gone. The person on the other side of the door was not who he expected.

 

“Niall?”

 

Niall looked surprised to be here himself. The small apartment probably not what he had been expecting.

 

“Is Harry here?”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoys :D Thanks so much to all my faithful readers who make writing this so much more rewarding :) xx

“How did you find this place?”

 

Niall rocked uneasily back and forth on his toes, his uncertainty of what to do obvious to see.

 

“Lou told me…”

“Oh”

 

If Lou had told Niall, she must trust him enough not fuck things up. Ed still wasn’t sure if he should let him in, his body effectively blocking any entrance to the hallway. He wasn’t sure Harry would either – sure the flat was nice but it wasn’t One Direction standard; and Harry would be unnecessarily embarrassed about letting anyone see.

 

“Niall no offence but I don’t think you should come…”

 

“Niall?”

 

Ed turned to see Harry’s shocked face as he stood in the hallway having probably heard Ed opening the door. Niall sent over an awkward half wave .

 

“Hey I hope you don’t mind but Lou told me where you lived and I felt really bad about what I said in the café and….”

 

“Niall stop.”

 

A moment passed and Ed could almost hear Harry’s brain going over every possible scenario, before he spoke again.

 

“Do you wanna come in?”

 

Ed glanced over at Harry his eye to check he was sure about this. All Ed wanted to was hide Harry away from it all forever. But that was impossible. After yesterday’s interview they were all going to have to start to realise that what had happened in the past wasn’t just going to disappear. Harry gave Ed a slight nod and Ed stepped back from the door to let Niall in- who had erupted into a grin at Harry’s positive response

 

“Nice flat! “

 

Ok- Ed had always liked Niall but right now he wanted to hug him.

 

“Umm.. Thanks I moved in recently so there’s packing boxes everywhere and its not very tidy and it’s small…,”

 

“H seriously it’s fine. “

 

The nickname slipped out before Niall could stop himself. He was on a roll today. Thankfully there wasn’t the same reaction as to before and Harry actually sent him a smile back. It was weird standing here. He had begged Lou to give him Harry’s address and had ignored her warnings that it wasn’t going to be what he expected. Standing here made Niall feel so guilty for the new house he had just bought because he thought his old one was too small with its 6 bedrooms and gym. As they walked into the living room, Niall spotted the few photos up on the wall .The vast majority of them were Harry and his family- most of which Niall had seen before but a few he hadn’t. Looking at Harry in these photos was like looking at a separate person. Sure Harry looked different now but nowhere near as different as the photos. Anne and Gemma hadn’t changed much apart from the small boy in the photo who obviously Gemma’s son. Niall always had had a small crush on Gemma when they were in the band. There were some photos of Harry and Ed – one of which particularly caught his attention. It was Ed and Harry in Harry’s garden back in Holmes Chapel. Both of them had tear stained eyes and faces but their smiles burst out the photograph. He hadn’t seen Harry smile like that in a long time.

Over the past year Niall had spent most of his time in LA and it had given him time to think. Time he didn’t have back home. LA had been Harry’s place – out of all of them he had fit in there the most seamlessly- and being there was a permanent reminder. At home surrounded by the media it was easier to convince yourself that you didn’t care what Harry was doing. Especially being that Louis and Liam were together and Niall didn’t feel right bringing it up in conversation. But Niall wasn’t one to hold grudges and the fact that this had been going on for so long was eating him up inside. All he felt now was guilt. If he looked back now it was so easy to spot. The way Harry withdrew from them- separate planes and different friendship groups were only the bits the public picked up on, but Harry had started to drift away from them personally. His conversations grew shorter and his eyes more distant. Back then Niall had been to wrapped up in the band to notice that one of the band was falling away. Harry and Louis’ relationship had changed as well. Naturally they were different to the boys who had started the relationship – they had grown up a lot since entering the X factor. But the magnetic attraction that you could sense even in photos seemed to be missing – dulled slightly. He’d only noticed when he was looking over old photos in his computer. Looking at the photos had startled him- how had none of them seen this coming? For the first time he was scared. Scared that he dint even know where Harry was or more importantly if he was alive.

            It was in LA Niall had met Nick Grimshaw. He had seen him in passing over the past few years but it was always so awkward. Nick was Harry’s best friend. He had almost turned and walked out the bar when he had seen him but Niall had made himself walk over. He wasn’t a kid anymore – he couldn’t just run away from his problems. Despite the initial awkwardness, several hours and several beers later the conversation was flowing. It was so good to finally talk to someone who had seen a different side to them. Unlike the rest of them, Nick had seen Harry just after the incident with Louis – had rushed over after the picture was printed in the press.

 

“He wouldn’t let me in you know?”

 

Niall took another swig of what might be his seventh beer – who was counting? This conversation would never happen sober. Nick was equally as drunk – his worlds slightly slurring and his northern accent exaggerated. At least if anyone was listening then the conversation would unintelligible.

 

“ Did you see him?”

 

“Yeah – I’ve never seen him like that – like I didn’t recognise him.”

 

Nick took a large glug of his beer.

 

 “He told me never to come back.”

 

“ He what?”

 

“I know he probably doesn’t remember the conversation but he told me to leave before I went down with him. It was scary Niall – like shit scary.  And I know it’s no excuse but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to see him. I don’t think I wanted to see what I’d find. “

 

“Mate your not the only one who has done anything .”

 

“It’s stupid isn’t it? I mean we are all adults and the moment anything happens I can’t deal.  I’ve had friends die of drugs and alcohol but with Harry it was different. I could see it coming ; saw the initial signs but ignored them. Because it..”

 

“It was Harry.”

 

Niall finally understood.

 

“I loved him. Fuck that I was in love with him. I know people used to tease me about it and I would deny it but … I only denied it because it was true. And God he was so happy with Louis and I never wanted to ruin that… ”

 

“You didn’t sleep....”

 

Nick shook his head rapidly.

 

“God no. I know Louis never really liked me – I think he thought I was always about to pounce -but I never did anything. I just miss him. I know what he did was bad but…“

 

Niall nodded –

 

“I understand mate. It’s Harry – it doesn’t have to make sense.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Appreciate any comments :D xx


	26. 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. - Aristotle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of all the stories I've written this one has always had a special place in my heart and it has been upsetting to not be able to write for it. I just found myself uninspired and everything I wrote felt wrong. But listening to FOUR today it suddenly clicked. Some of the songs on there made me just think of this story straight away and all I wanted to do was write this again. It's been an absolute age since this was updated and Im sure many people have given up with it; but I am back and I promise not to give up again. I really hope you enjoy this chapter and cant thank people enough if they have stuck with the story. I hope all new readers enjoy the story and the new chapters to come. Please comment and let me know what you think - I love reading what you think and what you want to happen. .x

Liam didn’t take anything in on the walk home; the streets a blur of noise and faces. Hopefully he hadn’t blanked any fans. Although he could always feign an overly hung-over state on twitter later. They didn’t need to know alcohol had nothing to do with it. He wished it did. Instead his mind was filled with Harry’s confused and angry face; the scratching and scars- a broken version of ‘Harry Styles’. And then there was Louis. Louis who would be waiting at home for him; probably expecting a fry up and a round of hung-over sex to ‘christen’ Niall’s new home. To comfort him in the light of all that had happened last night. Part of him wished he had gone with Niall now; to give him more time to try and understand this new Harry.  To see what he was up against and convince himself that Louis was truly his now. It was selfish and ridiculous- he knew that; to presume the first thing Harry was going to do was try and steal Louis. But it was instinct now; he had waited so long for Louis to love him back and had spent so long protecting him it was only rational to be afraid of the thing he was protecting him from. Protecting from Harry. The words sounded strange now. Now that Harry was a person ; not just the confident and grand Harry he had conjured up in his. The only version of Harry that could possibly do something like that to Louis. The Harry that had stolen the hearts of the nation. Who none of them had ever been able to match up to. However kind or a good a person you are, repeatedly reading how ‘Harry stands out’ and ‘Harry is the true star’ gets to you. It’s ridiculous; he’s a musician in his own right, he hasn’t been slandered in the press and he’s the relationship of his dreams. But he’s unsure. When it comes to Harry he always has been. And the niggle in the bottom of his stomach was fighting it’s way back.

           

* * *

 

He knew he had drunk too much last night. Despite the tequila haze, he had not been unaware of the looks of concern on the other boys’ faces and the firmer than normal grip Liam had on his shoulder. But they hadn’t said anything. They knew he needed to get it out of his system. There was no judgement only concern for how he was. He didn’t know how he was. How would anyone after everything that had happened yesterday – fuck after everything that had happened the past few years. Louis had always been defined by the people around him- he knew he couldn’t be alone. And sure it wasn’t his best trait but right now it was all adding up. He had been Louis and One Direction; Louis and Harry and now Louis and Liam. He needed the ‘and’. That’s why he had clung on to Harry. He knew Harry was drifting, that they weren’t making each other happy anymore; that Harry looked at Nick longer than a friend should just as he looked at Liam. To the fans, Louis had been this sassy confident troublemaker but in love. In love he was a coward. So had held tighter and tighter; watching as Harry fought to get out. Harry had always needed to be free. Of course he hadn’t seen the drugs coming or the extent to which the mess of a lifestyle they led had broken Harry. He hadn’t wanted to. But he wasn’t oblivious; not as much as the public or the boys presumed. They tried their best to be all smiles around the others but alone it was different. He could still remember the whiff of vodka on Harry’s clothing from a night out with Nick; the way he had tossed and turned in their bed trying to muffle his tears in the pillows. Or how he had shut Harry off every time he tried to address their problems. What happened that night had been Harry’s choice but Louis had led Harry to be that way – at least in part. As shot after shot had entered his blood stream yesterday it had all started to make sense. Like a slow motion version of ‘ this is your life’ playing right before his eyes. He supposed what they said was right- ‘in vino veritas ’.

 

The clarity had not been so clear this morning as hugged the brand new toilet in Niall’s House. But despite the bounding headache, the clenching stomach and waves of nausea, Louif felt ready. For the first time since the end of One Direction, he felt ready to ‘face the music’ again. X factor had been right all along.

 

* * *

 

Seeing Niall here in his living room was surreal . He looked out of place—his well dressed appearance incompatible with the cluttered room; stained tea cups and second hand furniture. Harry could sense Niall taking in the photos aswel. The ones that reminded him of he had to live for. If Niall kept looking he would finf the photo of Lou and him bouncing on the trampoline with Lux. Of his day out at London Zoo with Tom ‘the waiter’, who had quickly become Tom ‘the friend’. Or his family and Ed all crowded in the living room of the flat with a dominoes pizza on the day he moved in. Memories that Niall had no part or knowledge of despite knowing almost every person in them. Niall’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

 

“Look I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean to confront you like that. It wasn’t fair. And I’m sorry for..”

 

“Why are you apologizing.  I fucked up.”

 

There was a harshness and self deprication to Harry’s voice that chilled Niall’s skin. IT was the voice of a man who had been beaten up by not only the public but by himself. He couldn’t stand it . Harry had always been critical of himself but not like this. Ed seemed to echo his thoughts, his voice gently chastising Harry as he reached to massage his wrist.

 

“Harry stop. Don’t…”

Niall felt like he would have said more had he not been here; an unspoken conversation that he was definitely out of the loop of. Niall tried again – this time more determined to get out what he came to say. The words coming out of him that he didn’t even know he had been waiting to say.

 

“Im sorry for everything I’ve done but more for everything I haven’t. I was angry Harry. One Direction was my life. Everything I did was for the band or about the band. Sure I didn’t mind getting the recognition or press because I knew that they didn’t know what was going on in the band. That you saw yourself no different to any one else in the band. I was in awe of you H- you carried everything off with this effortless ease and confidence. That’s why I couldn’t see it- or why I didn’t want to see it. I couldn’t let myself see how this life was stifling you. So when it happened… when I found that article when…”

 

Niall’s words became muffled by the crack in his voice and Harry’s instinct were screaming out at him to reach out for Niall. Despite the years apart, the sound of Niall upset still stirring his emotions.

 

“I was confused H. I didn’t understand. All I saw was Louis and a black eye. And somehow how you had fucked up something so perfect. And it was so easy just to stay angry and not asked what happened. Find out what was wrong. I let you … “

 

Each one of their faces was wet with tears as Niall struggled to get his last few words out.

 

“I let you down Harry. “

 

Harry let his insticnts overwhelm him , pulling Niall towards him tight against his chest. Both letting out the tears that had been waiting for all these years. It was barely audible but Harry and Ed heard it all the same.

 

“Please don’t disappear again Harry. “


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck by this story and kept reading! Also thank you to all the new people reading :D I hope you enjoy this chapter :D Let me know what you think by dropping a comment :) .xx

Niall sitting in his living room helping himself to the packet of Sainsbury’s basics custard crèmes was the last thing Harry had expected to se when he woke up this morning from the two hours sleep he had managed to get. He couldn’t help himself finding it weirdly comforting. Harry was still wary – worried Niall might say something that he wouldn’t know how to respond to or find something in his flat that he couldn’t make sense of. Like his two year sobriety certificate proudly hung in the far corner of the room or his dummies guide to hairdressing Gemma had got him for his last birthday. NIall had already hidden his look of surprise at the biscuits not being Harry’s old staple Waitrose or M and S. Harry wouldn’t have noticed if had not known Niall so long. It’s weird how after this time he still knew their traits like they were his own. Like how he had known Louis’ nervous leg cross in the interview yesterday. He wondered if it was the same for Niall. That Harry’s nervous tap of his fingers on his wrist pulse points was a sign he was nervous. A smile followed by a cough a warning he didn’t know how to answer the question or that he didn’t want to. Traits most people wouldn’t be aware of unless they spent their time having every move or action scrutinized in the public eye or if you’d spent twenty-four hours a day together for months at a time.

            He was glad to have Ed’s body next to him; the warmth a reassurance. He could feel Ed’s fingers twitching to grab the guitar nearby though. Whenever anything happened the first thing Ed wanted to do was take himself off with his guitar. Write another number one hit no doubt. Harry remembered when he was like that; when music was the only way he could express himself. He knew One Direction had been panned in the past for releasing songs with ‘no substance’ – pure bubble gum pop. But the truth was that most of the songs they all wrote behind the scenes had gone to other artists. All under false names of course. The emotion and reasoning behind the words far ‘too deep’ for a stupid boy band. Harry had agreed at the time; their fans didn’t want hear a song about feeling lonely when in a relationship or gradually loosing yourself. Maybe now, if it all happened again it would be different. The words would finally be their own. Harry brushed the thoughts out of his mind. He had literally just had a cup of tea with Niall – it wasn’t the time to start planning a reunion. He had to face the other boys before that had happened. Any way his Mum and Ed would probably throw a hissy fit. Letting him go to London had been challenge enough. Telling his Mum he was going to hop on a tour bus around the country would not be a positive conversation.

           

“Nice to see you still have that guitar Ed!”

 

Niall spoke through a mouthful of biscuit, crumbs falling out of his mouth. Harry chuckled- something’s never changed. Ed’s voice replied with evidently more warmth then when Niall had first entered the flat. He could tell Harry was comfortable but still unsure of what to say. Unsurprising after all this time. What Niall had said earlier- well Ed had never expected to hear it. He was sure Harry hadn’t either. It made sense partly why Niall had stayed away – why he had been afraid to come looking. It was fear- Ed knew it. He would have been scared too. To see the mess of what had happened to something you had ignored for so long. To admit your mistakes in amongst a giant mistake. The best thing was that he had admitted it now. Now when `Harry was decidedly more stable to hear it. Had it been six months ago even, Harry wouldn’t have been ready to hear it. Wouldn’t have been able to see the apology in Niall’s voice, only hearing the negatives.

 

“Of course man. Can’t get rid of her. I’m sure you still have your first guitar.”

Niall swallowed the last few crumbs of the biscuit with a cup of tea and nodded enthusiastically.

 

“Oh god you bet I do. Still write all me songs on it. Doesn’t sound the same on any of these new fangled ones.”

 

Niall was aware of Harry’s hesitation- his fingers scratching at the fabric of the sofa arm. He couldn’t help himself as he kept glancing over towards Harry- convincing himself that he was actually sat there. It was just so surreal to see him there- see him in the flesh.

 

“You still writing music H?”

 

 The scratching fingers stilled.

 

“Umm. No.. not really.”

 

Hearing that made Niall’s insides sink. Out of all them , Harry had been the one to be able to write the songs with the most meaning. When he wrote something you could feel exactly what he was saying, felt yourself engrossed into the song. Sure he hadn’t been the most gifted guitar or piano player, but Harry had a way with words that was pretty incredible. The slow reflective way he spoke allowing him to reflect on things that Niall would never spot.  To hear that he had left it all behind. That was something Niall could fix.

 

Ed butted in; he knew it would blow his cover invading Harry’s earlier privacy but if they were all speaking the truth…

 

“You wrote something earlier H.. Sounded really good.”

 

The shock was visible on Harry’s face, eyes widening and mouth slightly ajar. He swept his fingers through his hair whilst looking back at the floor.

 

“It was nothing – I..”

 

“’Nothing’ is a good first step mate.”

 

Niall’s smile was so reassuring it hurt. Harry could tell he was hanging on to any hope that he could reach out in any way possible. For Niall, communicating with a guitar in hand had always been easier. Forcing his mind to slow its pace for once, a calming influence on the normal unfathomable energy. It was nice in a way to see that hadn’t changed. With everything else around him having changed so vastly, it was nice to see the world hadn’t changed Niall. That someone remained untainted by life.

 

“Why don’t we have a go now? Old times sake and all that?”

 

Ed knew before Harry could even open his mouth that he was going to say No. So he interrupted before Harry had a chance.

 

“Sounds great Niall. Got to see what I’m up against for my new album anyway. “

 

“I don’t think that’s..”

 

Niall leapt onto Ed’s offer- locking eyes, sensing the gratitude in Ed’s stare.

 

“Just join in when you feel like it Harry. Or just tell us how shit it is ?”

 

“You did that for my album didn’t you H?

 

Harry nodded slowly.

 

“Couldn’t have you releasing rubbish could I?”

 

Grinning widely, Niall took Harry’s statement as a yes. He wished the others could be here, the sense of déjà vu sitting here with Ed and Harry overwhelming. Harry’s cheeks flush as he bent over with laugh, knocking a beer bottle over as he moved, eliciting hysterical laughter from the other boys and Ed. Louis running his hand affectionately through Harry’s curls. Sliding his hand down into his jean pocket, Niall nudged the recording button on his phone. He almost jumped out of his skin, when the sound of a phone ringing echoed through the room, thinking he’d pressed speed dial instead. Thankfully, Ed reached to the back of his jeans to pull out his own ringing phone.

 

Ed was just about to hang up the phone with out hesitation when he took in the name on the screen. He needed to take this call.

 

“Sorry guys I’ve got to…”

 

The look of panic in Harry’s eyes almost tempted him to ignore the call.

 

“Anyway you guys need some time to catch up without me here. Feel free to use my guitar Niall. Don’t break it now – Ill find you Horan. “

 

Watching Ed’s retreating back, Harry was about to run out after him , the silence in the room allowing him to hear the thudding of his heart. Any escape plans were interrupted by the gentle strum of a guitar. Looking over towards the sound, his eyes caught directly with Niall’s. There was something there so hopeful, Harry couldn’t leave.

 

He walked out the room, sending Harry one last reassuring smile. He was so tempted to turn back round. But he needed to let Harry do this. He couldn’t keep looking after Harry forever. Careful to shut the door behind him, Ed slipped into the kitchen before answering the call.

 

“Gemma…


End file.
